So this weekend I did a LOT more stuff out in the public than I would do on a typical weekend.
It was a little scary.
I’m used to more intimate fatness. Being fat in a restaurant, at work, in my car, at the gym and at the walking park, grocery store. Places where people are distracted and may not see me.
I am NOT used to being fat in places where people-watching occurs. Sunday was particular disturbing. Being fat, with a slim friend, at a massive crowded mall. It was a vortex of shame that sucked me in and spat me out the other side a wet warped messy ball of self-loathing, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time.
It was really hard to walk and out of stores where the people in there instantly knew you couldn't fit into ANYTHING in that store. Its Humiliating. Then … all the mirrors and windows reflecting back at me what I look like while walking, sitting, standing. It’s really not great.
I am SO much fatter than I thought that I was. There really is some sort of mind warp that goes on. Of course I look at myself in the mirror in only the most flattering ways in the morning so that I can get out the door without crying. So really there is no surprise here. I have been deluding myself into thinking "I'm not that bad" but I am. Its a very bitter pill to get down.
I’m trying to stay positive, and this is working. I’m happy and getting healthier. My weight is going to come off… but the real question is ...
How did I get this big and how do I make sure never to do it again?
These will be answered along the way I’m sure. Lyn at Escape from Obesity has some really interesting posts on self perception, food and weight and today she said something that really struck me today. Here is the post.