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Thank you for stopping by to perv on my blog, as I fight myself to change my old habits and make new ones to get fit. I don't get it right all the time, but I'm still here and I'm still working at it.

Tamzins Double Dog Dare You Ticker!

My homage to the 14lbs that I lost on Allan’s DDDY Challenges. A watering can for the vast oceans of water that I have learned to drink and love every day.





Tuesday, November 2, 2010

& now for something completely different

So this weekend I did a LOT more stuff out in the public than I would do on a typical weekend.

It was a little scary.

I’m used to more intimate fatness. Being fat in a restaurant, at work, in my car, at the gym and at the walking park, grocery store. Places where people are distracted and may not see me.

I am NOT used to being fat in places where people-watching occurs. Sunday was particular disturbing. Being fat, with a slim friend, at a massive crowded mall. It was a vortex of shame that sucked me in and spat me out the other side a wet warped messy ball of self-loathing, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time.

It was really hard to walk and out of stores where the people in there instantly knew you couldn't fit into ANYTHING in that store. Its Humiliating. Then … all the mirrors and windows reflecting back at me what I look like while walking, sitting, standing. It’s really not great.

I am SO much fatter than I thought that I was. There really is some sort of mind warp that goes on. Of course I look at myself in the mirror in only the most flattering ways in the morning so that I can get out the door without crying. So really there is no surprise here. I have been deluding myself into thinking "I'm not that bad" but I am. Its a very bitter pill to get down.

I’m trying to stay positive, and this is working. I’m happy and getting healthier. My weight is going to come off… but the real question is ...

How did I get this big and how do I make sure never to do it again?

These will be answered along the way I’m sure. Lyn at Escape from Obesity has some really interesting posts on self perception, food and weight and today she said something that really struck me today. Here is the post.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

I totally understand! In my mind, I don't generally feel fat, but there's times when I do catch a glimpse of myself somewhere and it hits me. And I get all depressed. But, then I remind myself that this time, I'm doing this--It's only a matter of time before I'm not that fat girl anymore. You're on the right track, so onward and upward...or should I say downward?!

Ann (-25 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

I COMPLETELY get this. Every so often, I'm caught without my rose-colored glasses on too, and am always shocked. Just this morning, I thought to myself, "Why didn't I see THAT on the way UP?"

I call it the "Fat Fog" ... we see ourselves in much more flattering ways as we head up the scale. On the way down the scale, of course, reality starts to enter.

That is the unFun side of losing weight, but there are luckily not too many of those.

I use it as motivation now.

Cyber hugs, for your mall experiences.

Allan said...

Guess what !! We are fat. We are awesome people, that happen to be fat. We are trying to get healthy, and in doing that, we will lose some of the fat. Great, but really, it makes no difference. Get healthy, love yourself, hang out here with us, and all will be great !!

Mary :: A Merry Life said...

I totally, totally understand this. I usually tend to think I'm awesome and look great, then step in a store and can't wear anything or catch a glimpse in a mirror and *woosh* goes my self confidence right out of me. But we are both working toward healthiness and eventually our self perception will match our bodies. Hopefully. ;)

Tena said...

I totally get what you're saying. Until I look in the mirror, I pretty much am okay with myself. Then I see my reflection and want to crawl under a rock. I've worked at this thing for so many years and still I'm fat.

That storm last night scared the cr@p at out of me!! It worked into my dream of things blowing up...weird, since I rarely dream :)

Anne H said...

Another great post - there's a shift in the time-space continuum somewhere.... it makes it hard to gage sometimes... the size and the effort.

Tamzin said...

All True, very very true. Must keep moving in the right direction.

Thanks all! You rock! :)