Sunday Roundup and week evaluation

Well Sunday is almost done and we finished a marathon day with friends that is a love hate for me.

Its a gaming group and the people there are some of the statistical averages for North Americans... fat. Like me, but with more heavily ingrained senses of entitlement for food. Like the one that was there today who ate a giant box of peppermint chocolates all to herself because they are only available at Christmas time. I see myself deep inside there and it scares me.

So today was not great eating wise. This is a once a month thing and I know its always going to be a problem. I try hard on some things and let other things slide...

I did some great stuff though.

1. no grazing. There is always a tray of meat, cheese and crackers out. I had ZERO!
2. drank my water!!
3. brought half of our lunch.

We had a group order from the Chinese place. Husband and I had veggie dumpling and shared a My Fit Foods lunch. It was great.

I also did some bad stuff:

1. I had half a pumpkin loaf with my coffee at Starbucks this morning
2. I had 3 Hershey's kisses
3. I had a piece of birthday cake

I weighed in this morning for Allans SDDDY challenge. I'm a +6. All this week I've been up. Ever since Mondays 288 weigh in it shot back up 3, 4, 5, 8, 2, 6... Needless to say this has been a hellish week.

I've had over 180 ounces of water every day, ate my calories (just under and just over) all week. So...as I have been chastised today at our fearless leaders blog... rightly so.

SO now I sit here and I say to myself. Self.... what is different this week that did that.

1. Sleep. I've had a really poor week for sleep
2. pre period... this is always my worst week right before it starts.
3. poor eating habits slowly creeping back in.

So yes, there are many factors here at play. I will weigh in tomorrow and see if my dinner on Saturday night was a big factor in that number (even though I know I've been up all week). Mostly I think its the little things that I've done.

Namely the poor eating habits that I've had:

Monday - added in a bagel with my lunch
Tuesday - lunch out with dessert
Wednesday - dinner out for pizza
Thursday - extra coffee & cream
Friday - extra coffee & cream, martini & husband brought me home 2 chocolates from the grocery store... which I ate.
Saturday - Lunch and Dinner out

Wow, I'm a regular f*cking Sherlock Holmes.

Now... I've counted the calories and I know that I did NOT eat enough food to gain 6 bloody pounds this week.. however all the hidden salt and fat in the food that I did have has filled me up to a giant puffy balloon. The 2.5L of water I had last night before bed time is in there, and the fact that I've been pretty irregular... that hasn't helped either.

Here are the weekly numbers. And despite all the poor choices, I didn't go over my weekly calories. But as you can see here... I do eat a lot of fat.

So. Monday... back on the plan. No more little slips and excuses.

Happily, I'm a Canuck. Thanksgiving was last month - so I don't have to worry about the dinner plans this week. I'm getting 2 days off work to go and enjoy myself and not worry about massive family dinners and all that shit.

Right... here is today food and the weekly round up.

Word of the Day

Commitment

Allan – our fearless, no sh*t-taking, power fat burning SDDDY challenge leader had a great post this morning on the big C word. Commitment.

Which is a great wake up call for me this week. My commitment this week is flagging. It is the forgotten red-headed stepchild that doesn’t get a Christmas present. While it’s inbreed cousin, Denial, has been coming around the table more and more.

The last three weeks I was weighing every day (some ppl like it some don’t) and I was losing close to 1lb a day. I was doing GREAT. I was fully committed. I was planning weeks of food out, I was sticking to my plans and making sure I had everything I needed to be successful. I was committed to setting myself up to lose weight.

This week, I’m buying whatever at the My Fit Foods in the morning, and making it work for the day. I ate lunch on Tuesday and had four things that I really didn’t need. 3 bites of appies and a dessert. I could have left half the dessert in my bowl, but I didn’t’. I bowed down to the alter of Want and was rewarded with a week of suffering, now my Wants got a taste of being fulfilled and they …well… want more. Great. I have no one to blame but myself.

Time for some re-training.

I am going to take time today at lunch, reset my priorities, and make a real path for me walk along for the rest of 2010. Half assed efforts are going to get me half asses results. DO NOT WANT.

Challenge!

Today is going well, despite my dinners out, and this is a real mind-flip from what my life was like mere weeks ago.

This week at the office there has been an incredible amount of temptation, of which I have NOT indulged, not even once. A few weeks ago I would have been eating upwards of 5 or 10 mini-treats a day. (then wondering why my pants are tighter….go figure).

The desk next to mine has an overflowing Halloween bowl of pretzels and candy corn, and a little bowl of Hershey kisses, Reese’s pb cups and all sort of mini chocolate bars. I had glanced at them a couple of times; I’ve even caught myself reaching for it once or twice, but stopped myself. Yesterday in the kitchen someone dropped off a mountain of leftovers from Halloween. Chocolate bars, gun, chips and candy. I stopped to look at it – then forced myself to move along. No need to window shop if I’m not intending to buy.

The DDDY challenge has been great. I’m enjoying all the fabulous blogs that it has lead me too, including Allan’s totally NO BS attitude blog where he gets on with getting on and telling it like it is. I love it. You know, it’s a challenge, and by definition it should be difficult. I think that the trap I’ve laid for myself before has been that I have not anticipated, or prepared for the difficulty that is ahead.

If being thin was easy, I would already be there. It’s a difficult, rocky, steep path, hard enough to make you think twice about climbing up. I have quit in the past because it was hard to manage food, it was hard to prep lunches, its hard to get up early and go to the gym before work (which is something else that I have to get started back into), it was hard to say NO to treats… I deserve them right?

I’m up for the challenge. I want the challenge. I need the challenge. I had a coach that always said, “if this training were easy, everyone would have an Olympic Gold medal”. It’s the difficulty and struggle that adds value to the goal.

So that is what I’m going to think about when next week rolls around and I’m sucking back the monster amount of water needed in the "Son of DDDY Challenge Challenge"!

10:45 am and I’ve had: 1.5L water, 10oz coffee, and 3oz Food-water. For a total of 62.5oz and the day is just beginning. My plan is to sip constantly, every time I look at my water and see it - I take a drink.

& now for something completely different

So this weekend I did a LOT more stuff out in the public than I would do on a typical weekend.

It was a little scary.

I’m used to more intimate fatness. Being fat in a restaurant, at work, in my car, at the gym and at the walking park, grocery store. Places where people are distracted and may not see me.

I am NOT used to being fat in places where people-watching occurs. Sunday was particular disturbing. Being fat, with a slim friend, at a massive crowded mall. It was a vortex of shame that sucked me in and spat me out the other side a wet warped messy ball of self-loathing, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time.

It was really hard to walk and out of stores where the people in there instantly knew you couldn't fit into ANYTHING in that store. Its Humiliating. Then … all the mirrors and windows reflecting back at me what I look like while walking, sitting, standing. It’s really not great.

I am SO much fatter than I thought that I was. There really is some sort of mind warp that goes on. Of course I look at myself in the mirror in only the most flattering ways in the morning so that I can get out the door without crying. So really there is no surprise here. I have been deluding myself into thinking "I'm not that bad" but I am. Its a very bitter pill to get down.

I’m trying to stay positive, and this is working. I’m happy and getting healthier. My weight is going to come off… but the real question is ...

How did I get this big and how do I make sure never to do it again?

These will be answered along the way I’m sure. Lyn at Escape from Obesity has some really interesting posts on self perception, food and weight and today she said something that really struck me today. Here is the post.

NVS and a Plan

This morning I put on the old clothes, slipped my shirt on and looked in the mirror... my once enormous muffin top has been reduced.

I had the husband confirm. :) YAY! Funny how that can just slip away unnoticed. Very pleased.

Today is the start of a 5 day visit from friends. This is typically what I would call a "Trap".

However, I am going to do a number of things differently from what I "would" have done in the past. Since... we all know how the past has turned out for me (see side pictures!). So here is the plan.

1. Have a giant breakfast.
2. Eat as much as possible of my normal good foods before having to go out.
3. Carry my little note book and pen to write down all food consumed.
4. Try to get as much planned out first as possible (if we are going for BBQ - jump on Calorieking and plan a meal that works).
5. While eating out Eat HALF of what I would consider a 'normal for me' - portion.
6. KEY. Do not eat food that I don't want, or don't want to "waste" for the sake of what it cost $.
7. Log it, count it, manage it.

Tonight is a little get together at a pizza place for dinner. I already know that I am going to have 2 whole wheat thin crust margarita slices of pizza and a diet coke (no wine). This will keep me in my range.

Water Today: so far - 2L


Food today (plan tonight):
MFF Good Morning Sunshine - 330
coffee - 2
cream - 90
MFF Banana Nut patties - 350
MFF Lemon Turkey - 370
Blackberry Liberte - 250
Apple - 116
Pizza 2 slices - 580
Diet coke - 0


Total: 2088
Ideal: 2090
Difference: -2

BS: going to try and keep this to a minimum.


Today is going well - I am really quite pleased. I'm not feeling starved and deprived. I'm not eating like I used to, but that is really the point.

I'm looking forward to running around playing tour guide, and that will include a LOT of walking around. YAY! Posts will be late and short. I apologize in advance.

Trifecta of Eating-Evil Defeated

1. Angry
2. Frustrated
3. In a vehicle all alone

I just got back from an "interview", which ended up being some sort of weird testing facility where I had to do spacial, number pattern and algebra/math questions. No calculators allowed (but that is beside the point - but seriously...no calculator?? wtf).

I was contacted for an interview for a job -they have called me a couple times for different jobs - I do administrative work (you know...paper pushing etc) and was mislead into thinking that I would be actually MEETING someone for an INTERVIEW to discuss the skills that I do have... not to test me for an hour on the skills that I don't have... If I was good at math I would be a f*cking administrator.

I was in my suit, hair done, make up on, all ready for an interview.... nadda. Not to mention that I wasted nearly an hour yesterday doing their testing online at home and now had the privilege to DRIVE over to the testing building and NOT MEET A SINGLE PERSON TO TALK ABOUT THE JOB. Seriously... I am/was/still am VERY VERY PISSED.

And so... there I was....in a car (aka: food charriot) and mad and frustrated for wasting time that I could have been doing something productive with.....as in...I did not get my run in this morning because I had a 9am interview that went until 11am so I didn't have time to get to the gym before this stupid interview and now I see I should have just effed this one right in the a and gone running instead.... and that is when the mental destruction began to take hold.....

**evil little voice in head** I should go and get a coffee (read here +500 calorie bomb eggnog latte)... and maybe a little treat... you know... you deserve it, you've had a rough day - you are already out in the car - you can hit the drive-through - you won't even have to get out - your feet hurt - you are mad - you know what would be nice... and hot coffee treat from Starbucks - you have cash - do it.... DO IT... DOOOO EEEETTTTTT

I almost had to slap myself... I told myself that I would NOT be going to Starbucks and I would be going home to get changed, relax and if I still wanted a coffee later I could go and get one.

So... Eff you trifecta of fat. I fart in your general direction. I'm at home making a coffee for 42 calories and is just as nice a treat to the mind. And I might have a banana.

**I'm sorry for the amount of profanity these last few days!

Lets make a deal.....

Today before I had even left the office I had decided that I was going to eat a large thin crust double pepperoni pizza and 2 diet cokes for dinner...

I thought about it for the last half hour of work, I thought about it as I got changed to walk home, I thought about it while my co-worker was talking to me on the walk... I thought about it until I got a little closer to home.

Then I started thinking. Do I really want to get up tomorrow and know that I ate a whole large pizza to myself, and drank 2 diet cokes and feel like crap and dread getting on the scale. And then have to tell myself "how much better I'll be now to make up for it", when I know that isn't my style.

So then I started trying to find a way out..."I'll get chicken souvlaki and calamari....no....I'll stop and get crackers and soup, no I'll order more chinese food..."

So I made the ultimate deal. If I went home without stopping to get anything, I could eat WHATEVER and HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. No matter what... IF it was in my house - I could have it, but nothing else.


So here it is:

3oz cheese & 10 almonds (eaten while prepping the rest).

2 chicken breasts (sauteed in little oil and lemon pepper seasoning)
15 asparagus spears & 1/2 tsp becel

1 sweet potato & 2 small beets cut thinly and coated with 2T evoo then baked on a tray in the oven ( not long enough mind you they could have been a little crisper)* haha - re-reading this I laughed at my "evaluation" of the potato that I ate by the forkfull without any appreciation of flavor, indeed...."could have been crisper" I'm too much!

Honestly....I thought that I wouldn't feel full after this - but I certainly did. I still feel full now and this was nearly three hours ago.

I thought that I was going to eat WAY more then this because today.... I felt empty. I felt just depleted and beaten and I wanted food. I wanted to feel full, stuffed, bursting, ...ug, I can't even think of words to say for this emptiness...... I wanted that instead of tired, sad and empty.

I ate this dinner in massive gulps, just trying to fill up as fast as I could. Its strange - that need, that feeling of wanted to be filled up, yet not really need the food, but my brain telling me that this will make me feel "good".

Now I have strange feelings of remorse, and yet a feeling of a small victory as well.

I am proud that I managed to talk myself out of pizza and pop and a binge that would have been really horrid on my body and that would have most likely snowballed into a weekend long binge.

I know that chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus (mind you with enough extra fats added - oil etc.) are not going to stay with me as long as 1lb of pepperoni and 1lbs of white bread crust would, and that there are good things in these foods, so in that sense I feel great about how I managed to weasle out of my original plan. I still hate that those thoughts can creep in and dominate my mind and that I can still eat SO BLOODY MUCH. Those are both dinner sized plates. 2 whole chicken breasts!!! Good gawd!

Anyway - thats enough beating myself up. I am proud, I managed to escaped though the best hatch that I have right now from a terrible binge that was coming on. I'm going to keep on having these kinds of moments, and I'm going to have to dealing with them.

So there we go. Today, I'm going to end with a body positive quote that I saw today that made me smile.

"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points" - Mae West.

50/50 is not good enough

I just updated my weight on the sidebar(inches will be done tonight).... and this is an all new fail for me. Three weeks in a row gaining. Totally.Brutal.

Of the 14weeks that I've been blogging, 50% of the time my weight has gone down and 50% of the time my weight has gone up. The downs are more then the ups, but still, that just not good enough.

In 14weeks I could have healthily lost 28lbs, with an average of 2lbs a week - which is both reasonable, realistic and manageable. That nearly 30lbs!! COME ON TAMZIN... pull your head out of the feed bag!!

Right now I'm averaging a loss of .55 lbs a week. Not that this is bad is still moving in the right direction, but holy hell I could be doing miles better. I'm trying to imagine what 28lbs less would be like right now. It would be pretty effing sweet to be 25lbs lighter....instead of 7lbs.

Time to get goal setting again and start getting my lists... I also need to get my gym gear in a bag and to the office so that I can get in my lunchtime workouts again.

If I am going to lose 100lbs, then I'm going to have to start working a LOT harder then this.

Inches and Such

Well today was good and bad and all things in between rolled together. I'm tired and confused and upset I guess. I managed to resist everything bad for me at the office - even with a moment of weakness... looking at the cookie that I had taken...I put it back when I asked myself if I REALLY wanted it.

I walked home 5km, but I was too hungry and on the way home, I should have had another snack in the afternoon to help, I started having all kinds of crazy food lust - you name it - I wanted to put it in my gob! It was all that I could do to not stop and get something really terrible, but I was already contemplating what to binge on... I knew it was not going to be good.

I ended up stopping and getting a can of beans in tomato sauce, I wandered around in the little corner store - I purposely went to the cash only one - and all I had was $2.50 on me... limited me pretty well. I drooled over crackers and thought about coming back with more money so I could eat them. So terrible. I ended up with a can of beans for my ultimate english comfort food - eggs beans and toast.

I'm over tired, over hungry, stressed out and ended up at the fridge with the can of whip cream stuck in my mouth. Three big mouthfuls and then I put about 1/3 of a cup of it in one of the pumpkin custards and then ate that too.

I know that this behavior more tiring and stressful, its a terrible cycle. It feels disgusting, but what is worse.. is this. I was saving that whip cream in there... because I KNEW that eventually I was going to do that. Now I have to get up tomorrow and weight-in, and get back on this damn bucking horse and try to get my balance again.

The Nitty Gritty - Weight: 275lbs Inches: 324.1
Neck - 16, Bust - 47.5, Ribs - 42, Waist - 48, Hips - 52, L Bicep - 14.6, R Bicep - 14.5, L Thigh - 28, R Thigh -25.9, L Calf - 18.5, R Calf - 18.1.

Weight is up 1.8lbs, but Inches are down by 0.4.

Bfast:
1c Almond Milk
2T protein powder
coffee with cream
1/3c 1% cottage cheese
1med banana
Snack1:
1med mocha skim milk latte
orange
Lunch:
3/4c meat lasagna
1c BNS mac&cheese
1c mixed veg
3 hearty rye crackers
1 pat butter
Snack2:
1c strawberries
1/3c Activia yogurt
Snack3:
Orange
Dinner:
1 can beans in tomato sauce
2 poached eggs
2 pitas
2T becel
3 big mouthfuls whip cream
1/3c whip cream
1/3c pumpkin custard

Water: 2.6L...not good enough.

ug...time for bed. I need to sleep on this Mind-f*ck that I've done to myself today. I know that it will be better tomorrow and on my way to bed, I'm heading to the kitchen to throw away the rest of the whip cream.

The Gauntlet has been thrown down

Katschi has challenged me to a six week long eating clean challenge. In a serendipitous moment...this is what I bought for myself for Christmas while out shopping yesterday.

I had been thinking about getting some more ideas about what to eat and I just happened to see this little gem.

Not only did it contain the inspiration for the ground turkey that I have in my freezer for my dinner tonight (ground turkey/chickpea burgers) it has some amazing foods in here! I was surprised. Its my reading after I'm done posting this and then I'm making a list and heading to the grocery store for supplies.

I will admit, I turned on the computer this morning and found the comment from Kastchi asking if I wanted to join her on a six week eating clean journey. My pulse raced, my palms got sweaty. I was scared.... what if I can't do it, what will I do over Christmas at my Mums, how will I feel if I fail or cheat... I don't have the time, I can't manage to get all that food cooked, what if ....what if.... what if...

I have accepted the challenge. As I made my breakfast I decided that this is really a great thing for me. When I make up my mind to eat better and not cheat, I do. But I certainly don't tell myself "No" enough. The scale doesn't lie. I'm 2-1 with the weigh-ins now and I'm afraid tomorrow the scales are going to even the score to 2-2. For all my BS blogging about what I want and how I want to lose weight, I'm doing a pretty shabby job of it.

I started blogging and the entitled attitude has slowly but continuously crept back in. I'm being "good", I should get some jellybeans/ice cream/chocolate/have a Burger and fries for lunch ad nausium.

I admit that I don't think that I'm going to be able to manage to eat clean for 6 weeks with the Christmas holidays squashed in there (EXCUSE ALERT). HOWEVER.....This is what I will promise:

That I'm going to give this 100% effort, and see if there is some way that I CAN manage and then enjoy each little victory. I'm bringing dessert to Christmas dinner, I'm in charge of what goes in my mouth, and I am going to try as hard as possible to eat what is good for my body and not what my mind tells me that I need.