I have 32 "perverts" watching me now and I LOVE IT!!! :D thank you all for coming here - stopping in and being along for the ride. Its fabulous.
I have so many things that I want to blog about but every time I buzz through my blog-pervlist I see that you all are already talking about them and doing a damn good job of it.
Its really comforting to see that even though I want to think that my experience is so totally unique and exceptional, I'm bloody wrong. There are people out there struggling with the same issues, challenges, woes and triumphs.
I like it, I like it a lot.
I wish that I was super busy and that I didn't have time to blog and think about this - but I'm going to try and see if getting it out is going to be better then keeping it in.
Last night I made my BNS Mac&Cheese for my friend and her family. I was hoping that she would be as excited as me about it - maybe even beg me for the recipe, rave about how yummy it was, or something... nope. Nothing, nadda. Other then - "thank you for coming by and cooking for us, that was really great to have a night off".
I have to say that it was kind of upsetting to me.
She is my best friend and she is/has been struggling with weight for a long time too. She lost 70lbs on Weight Watchers 3 years ago. Got married, got preggers and now - nearly 2 years since giving birth - she now weighs more then she did when she was 9 months pregnant and has joined the 200+ club and climbing.
This last 12 months I've been trying to get her out with me to run or walk, anything, but she has a million excuses for why she can't. Every time I call its one thing or another. It's a difficult dynamic for me. I've always been the "fat(er) friend" and the one who made excuses. I love that chick to death - but I can't stand her attitude. Although - I think that her attitude bothers me so much .... BECAUSE I used to be just like that.
I have trouble eating at their house now... they have nothing but high fat foods nightly - red meat and white carbs. (last night she couldn't believe that we were going to have a meal with NO MEAT... "wheres the meat??", she was shocked - it was like that damn buger commercial from the 80's). For them its nightly roasts, steaks, sausages with white pasta, white rice and potatoes, always scalloped with cheese or full fat sour cream and butter, or mashed and fried up in some butter, if its chicken - there is gravy, always.
Its sooo weird to see food like that even served! The only green veg they serve is frozen peas and the other is corn (which I don't even consider a veg! even though I love it! ha). On top of that, they have dessert EVERY night.
We ended up eating dinner and watching the Half-Ton Mom on TLC. I was revolted, scared, amazed, sad, wondered, mesmerized, fascinated, sympathetic and disgusted all at the same time. I don't know why watching shows about weight interest me SO much (I also feel the same about shows on anorexics, any sort of extreme body shape I suppose). I guess that I see myself in these shows; the excuses, the mental reasoning, the food lust, out of control behaviors, the fat rolls, the celulite, the distain that they are treated with. All those feeling - they are the same ones that I often have when I look in the mirror. Except that I feel a lot more shame when looking at myself of course.
As we are watching she brings out dessert - a bag of full sized dairy milk chocolate bars, a bag of mini snickers, a bowl of jujubes, and massive 3lbs brick of chocolate and three bags of family sized potato chips all in various stages of eaten (all of them over half gone).
I'll admit, I ate about 12 jujubes, but that was it, not that I didn't want more. But as it was brought out I set my limit and stuck to it. I watched my friend take a full size chocolate bar, and eat 3 mini snickers and a 1/4 bag of chips while drinking a pepsi. This is nothing new to me (either watching her do this - or being there myself), this happens after dinner every time I'm there...2 months ago I would have been wrestling the chips out of her cold dead fingers so that I could have some.
I don't know where I'm really going with this post, other then to say that I'm pretty sad today. I'm sad that she is now living in a body that she hates and is punishing herself with more terrible foods and creating habits that are going to be so hard to break. I'm sad that I feel helpless. I've been there for so many years, and I guess to see her getting worse is totally terrifying to me.
I wish that watching her do this was more inspirational to me to get my act together, but ... for some reason its not. Its not encouraging me to cheat/give up/do the same... but its not the arse kick that I'm looking for either. I guess it gives me that sense that even though I'm changing and making choices and decisions that are better and more sane and I'm that I'm loving this new change... that... I'm one slip away from couch bound helplessness and a bowl of chocolate.
Earlier in the week she emailed to ask me if I wanted to join her (and family) for a lunch out, I had my packed lunch here to eat. I was scared... I didn't know what to do... so I lied ....and said that I had a lunch date already ... I lied because I knew that on that day I would not be able to go to a restaurant and order a salad and be happy watching the rest of the table eat burgers and fries.
Today another friend emailed to ask if I wanted to get together for lunch - I told her that I have a lunch here, but if she wants to meet in the food court, I'll bring mine and we can socialize.
I guess, I'm just going to have to be stronger. Take my moments, pick my battles, and live for me. I can't change anyone else, I can only do better for me.