For Better and for Worse

Well in the wake of my success last night I did a bad thing. I didn't want to post about it, but after a long think, what is the point of blogging about this if I don't post the stuff that will remind me to stay on course.

After all my wins, I had a fail. I stopped on the way home last night and bought saltines to go with my soup for dinner. I thought that I would be able to just have some. After finishing my post about what a great day it was, I fell into a binge on crackers and margarine (yes, not even the good stuff butter) with my veggie soup.

I mindlessly ate 2 sleeves full and started a third when the reality of it all caught up with me. ....I WASN'T EVEN ENJOYING IT! :( I stood up, ran to the garbage, crushed the rest of that bag into cracker dust and threw it in the trash. But just like an addict… I put the forth bag up in the cupboard*. I should and do know better then to get stuff like that. I just HAD to celebrate my success with a complete sabotage.

*Tonight when I get home, I'm going to find that bag, crush it and throw it away as well.

After the crackers, I halfheartedly made my salad, boiled some eggs and put a stuffed pepper, veggies and my regular fruit and breakfast into my lunch bag for work today. But I felt less positive about it all. A failure.

I fell asleep at 1am last night, and woke up at 5.30… all I could think about what how I lost control and really let myself down, I felt guilty. Worst of all, I b*tched at the husband this morning, for no reason other then I was cranky. Once I was at the office I sent him an email.

Sorry about this morning, I'm in a foul mood
1. I wasn't alseep until 1am;
2. I was awake at 5.30;
3. Its cold;
4. I'm wearing a skirt and tights;
5. the bus never came so I walked to the train - which never came - so I walked all the bloody way to work in tights;
6. I have chub-rub now from said tights;
7. I'm puffy from eating so much salty food last night;
8. I am angry and irritable from eating salty food and cheating on my diet;
9. I'm mad that I still see it as a diet and not a new way of eating; and
10. I'm pissed that I have next to no willpower… wtf.

And this is what he sent back to me. (Gawd I love that man)

Sorry you are in a foul mood- wish I could do something about it... :(
Changing the way you eat and the way you see food takes months if not years. It's really difficult, so there will be occasional setbacks, don't beat yourself up over it. And you do have willpower, you gave up drinking and other destructive behaviors. It will just take more time with this. For now just do your best and keep your eyes on the goal and I know you will do fine, and when you have a bad thing happen don't beat yourself up over it, just make a promise (and write it down) to do better next time.

I kinda got teary at my desk after I read that. I hated myself last night, and this morning. I really didn't want to post the bad. I wanted my fat loss to be all rainbows and ponies and frankly, easy!! But its not going to be. Its going to be the good and the ugly, and I think that both are equally important when coming to grips with this challenge.

Funnily, I gave up drinking 3 years ago. That was hard, but in a different way. It was hard because all the people that I used to drink with didn't like it (I have a feeling that some of the people in my life who are used to/like me being fat are not going to enjoy me when I am not what they like to pigeon hole me as, but that is for another days post I think). But easy for me in the physical sense (first of all I wasn't addicted to it), because I never HAD to have a beer. I can have an occasional wine now and then, or a G&T on a patio when its hot and not get outa control. But I have to eat, and every time I do I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I just have to keep reminding myself, that one step back is not the end of the world. This is just one more opportunity to take that feeling and use it to temper my resolve to constantly seek to be better, even if its only be a slight degree from the day/week/month before.