Epic Fail February

I'm still a little sick, but I'm through the worst thank goodness. This has been one hellish week for sure. Nothing like not being sick for a long time to make you forget just how uncomfortable it is. The Dr gave me a steroid nasal spray... so I'm all 'roided out! RAWR!!!

February has been a total fail blow out for me. This month was just one excuse after another: Poor eating - check, Less exercise - check, Not enough water - check, Not enough sleep - check, Bad shopping habits - check, Too big portions - check, Bad weather keeping me from getting outside - check, Not going to the gym - check, Few packed lunches - check, Treats at the office - check, treats with my coffee - check.

I started my running class, but it seems that this gave me full license to eat whatever and however much I wanted...right? My choices have been poor to appalling. My exercise has been minimal and easy - not a lot of sweating going on. I've not been tracking much - not how much water - not how much food and its been bad foods by the handful whenever the mood strikes.

And here I am.... 4 weeks of weight gain and honestly....looking down the barrel at a 5th. Oh gawd. This really begs the question... WHY?

Why is it so hard for me to stop eating when I'm full. Why is it more desirable to eat junk then to eat healthy foods. Why is it so hard to choose the right things to do when it comes to food. I don't have a problem identifying the right things to choose when it comes to morality, love, friendship. But food... ice cream or grapes. Ice cream if its an option even though I hate myself after.

It all boils down to that one little word.

CHOOSE [chooz]
–verb (used with object)
1. to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference: She chose Sunday for her departure.
2.to prefer or decide (to do something): He chose to run for election.
3.to want; desire.
–verb (used without object)
4.to make a choice: He chose carefully.
5.to be inclined: You may stay here, if you choose.


Synonyms: Choose, Select, Prefer - indicate a decision that one or more possibilities are to be regarded more highly than others. Choose suggests a decision on one of a number of possibilities because of its apparent superiority: to choose a course of action. Select suggests a choice made for fitness: to select the proper golf club. Prefer, also formal, emphasizes the desire or liking for one thing more than for another or others: to prefer coffee to tea.

The freedom of choice. Its so easy, so simple. Its right there every time I move food from hand to mouth. From shelf to cart, pull out the wallet, order my coffee. Its craziness that this is so f**king hard. WHY?

March is coming and I need to choose to do things better. I need a new plan.

pulling through

I'm getting through to the other side of this cold after a visit to the dr's yesterday. Most posts later.

Hot & Sour Heaven!

I ordered in Chinese food.

I am currently enjoying 2c of Hot & Sour soup. It is heaven on my body right now, I can feel the heat spreading through me. Burn those germs out!!

I also ordered sauteed veggies in chili sauce and Singapore noodles. I'm going to eat all the soup then divide out the rest into lunch containers and I will manage to control myself today. I'm not giving myself the choice. I will not over eat on this. I will enjoy my soup, 1 cup of noodles and 1c of veggies and that is all.

Trapped

2 weeks ago I was begging to be sick to get some time off from work... now I'm wishing that I was better because even work is quite frankly WAY better then this.

My poor nose is raw, I've been through three boxes of Kleenex and I just coughed up something....something horrible!

The good news is that I can feel the sickness breaking and with any luck I'll be back to work tomorrow, if not, I'll be down at the clinic asking for horse tranquilizers and a note to give to my boss.

Winter has struck again here, its snowy and very cold. I'm just not feeling up to cleaning off the car and heading out to a movie or the grocery store for more soup. All the food is the fridge is unappealing - greens and cheese...not the hot & spicy foods nor the cold, smooth & soothing foods that I am craving.

I lay in bed this morning thinking of all the things that I could eat... sickness doesn't stop that monster. However, in truth the mind is wandering but I'm really not feeling up to eating much of the usual foods that I would want to binge on and I lack the energy to go and get them.

I'm almost out of tissues, so I'm going to have to head out in the cold all bundled up to the local shop around the corner for more supplies. Who knew that that 2 boxes that I bought yesterday wouldn't be enough to get me through this.

Breakfast was oatmeal, BP2, raspberries, ground flax seeds, honey and walnuts heated up in the microwave. It was good but I've got some "food crazy" feelings today that are going to make this excursion to the store a little dangerous.

So I'm trapped in this sick body, in winter again, in my little condo with no tv and not able to get out to get anything that I want.... like a spicy soup from the Vietnamese restaurant. DAMN IT!

I foresee a lot of tea and naps in my day today!

sick day

Another day at home sick. I have turned myself into a tea processing plant. I have had more hot water with lemon and honey then one person ever should. I'm still sick as a dog though.

I've managed to negotiate a few food landmines today - I went out earlier to get some cold meds, vitamins and a few other things at the place where I would normally get my "bad foods". I did cruise the isles looking, but I managed to get myself out of there before I talked myself into getting anything terrible.

I've been sleeping and listless most of the day, I've had about three kettles worth of water in various teas and I've used more TP then I care to admit.

bfast:
tea
large orange
tea
Lunch:
spicy chili (trying to burn it out)
1/2 sleeve of crackers
1T becel
tea
tea
Dinner:
1 can baked beans
1 poached egg
1/2 sleeve of crackers
tea
tea
tea
tea
......tea

*cough* 'scuse me...must run to the loo again

More of the same

Well I wish that I had good news to report and I would have if I had managed to control myself... but yet again I have managed to let myself down. None of the following is the lest bit of a surprise to me right now. Its the slipper slope of eating poorly that chases you into a spiral that is five times harder to stop then it is to start.

WI - 273.8 - up 0.6lbs

Friday was the chips and cheese and salsa

Saturday morning I weighed in at 271.4 an all new low! yay... then Saturday night I was visiting with friends and we decided to get pizza, and chips and pop for dinner...but I deserve it right, I'm doing good....after eating 5 pieces and most of a big bag of chips and a diet Pepsi I felt sick. Guilt and physically. I knew that I shouldn't have done that - I knew that I should have made a better effort before going over there to eat first so not to cave to easy temptation. But I didn't....cause I'm 271! Plus I was fighting a cold and not feeling that hot in the first place. Ug.

Sunday I woke up in a pool of cold sweat and feeling really terrible. I slept in until 30min before yoga and then went to that. It was good - its relaxation yoga so it was mostly laying down with a blanket and pillow. I'm not going to complain it was pretty awesome. I met a friend for lunch after.. I knew that I should get the salad but...the bison burger was calling my name and...I'd already ruined "EVERYTHING" with my pizza binge the night before....so.... I also should have skipped the fries and got a side salad, but I didn't. And then when she wanted the artichoke dip started.. who was I to say no.

Today I'm at home - too sick to go to work. I also had another dental appointment to get the last of my fillings replaced. So I'm all numb, sore, tired, sick, cranky and bleck. I can't eat anything so what did I just do... got ice cream on the way home.

So my total eating today was 3 clementines and 1/2c 1% cottage cheese and 1 pint Ben&Jerry chocolate ice cream. I wish that I had just stopped at Wendy's and got a small frosty, that would have been as satisfying and less calories.

I have chicken broth and tea for the rest of the day.

That's 4 weeks in a row of gaining. Small gains yes... but they are the product of larger issue. I'm not trying anymore. I don't know why, but I'm not. Now I'm off to brood about this and hopefully find something that is going to help me get back on track.

it happened..I enjoyed a run!

Too much salt for sure, my ankles were showing it to me after work.... I also took the bus both ways to work and home this morning - which doesn't do me any favors. The morning walk is good for the circulation and so is the one home. Must get my stuff organized sooner so I have things to wear on the way home.

I drank lots of water and I had another great sleep last night. Work today was busy but not crazy and even some pretty fun moments.


Tonight was running night, it was cool out but today....I felt strong...my breathing wasn't as ragged and I didn't feel like I was running to catch up all night. It was a great feeling...and it was nice to know what is coming. I was energized. :) YAY! what a great way to start the weekend.


Food was ...not great. I ate too much salty processed foods. I struggled coming home from my run - I wanted Wendy's and decided that I would stop at the local Drug mart w/ grocery section and get some waters, sandwich baggies and q-tips... I ended up leaving with chips, salsa and fake cheese. :( I ate it all. Happily there was a time when I could and would eat more then TWICE that amount. I would never buy one bag of tortilla chips.. it was always 2. Anyway - it was gross of me to do that and I should have said no, but I didn't. So when I post my big 'WAAAA' on Monday about gaining again you have free reign to give me the "talking to" that I will need/deserve.

One step forwards, two steps back. Why is it so easy to sit here and say - NO MORE. But when my hand reaches for the junk, its so easy to say, ONE MORE??


Most of my issues with this are on mess/convenience. The kitchen is a nightmare - to get any food prep done would require more time to clean and get ready then to make the food... I don't want to do that so I cope out and get bought food. NOT GOOD. Time to break out the lists again and start cleaning as I go instead of piling up the dishes until there are none left.

Bfast:
yogurt
2 clementines
coffee & creamers
Snack1:
half sweet skim milk mocha with whip
oat cookie with jam filling (large)
1 clementine
Lunch:
teriaki chicken with rice and bean sprouts
Snack2:
deli chicken on rye berad sammich
Snack3:
clementine (yes...I'm going to be make of oranges soon)
Snack4:
coffee & creamers
plain yogurt w/ 1T honey and 1 handful walnuts
Dinner:
1 bag of whole grain tortia chips
1c queso (if you know what this is then you know I was powerless to stop myself)
lime perrier sparking water

Positively delightful

I had a great day today, amazing how positivity is really catching!

I ate bad things too (chocolate covered peanuts post-lunch, a blueberry bran muffin this morning, and a hot chocolate before I left for the day), but for the most part today I had stellar foods. My gawd, I had an audience while putting my lunch together in the kitchen at work today. I sliced up the tomato, avocado and the cheese between the 2 pitas - which I rip in half so there are 4 pockets, they were JAMMED full, YUMMY and totally filling. I was stuffed for the rest of the day.

Bfast:
banana
1 pot yogurt
1 clemintine
Snack1:
coffee & creamers x3
blueberry bran muffin
2 clementines
Lunch:
2c mixed greens
1c sprouts
2 whole wheat pitas
2 triangles of laughing cow cheese
1 whole tomato
1 whole avocado
Snack2:
clementine
dollar bag of choc covered peanuts (1/2c I wold guess)
Snack3:
clementine
Hot chocolate & coffee
Snack4:
power crunch protein bar
Dinner:
2c BNS soup
2 ww pita
1T becel
2 dill pickles
1 clementine

I also ate about 5 clementines today! I love those little buggers!

I walked home 2.5km today, it was chilly and I was working hard to stay warm. I haven't been drinking enough water today, so tomorrow with running in the evening.. I have to get all my water in me.

Bed time for Tamzin!

and the show must go on....

I really didn't feel like blogging last night, or today. I was in the mood for a great big pity party... but... in actual fact the only person who I am punishing if I unplug from this is me. Blogging is a really important tool for me and this weight loss jazz!

anyway..... The show must go on. Its good to read, see what everyone else is doing, post and struggle onward.

I also wanted to thank all who commented yesterday. I read those at the office and they really give a fresh set of eyes to my situation. I appreciate those a lot.

I have done a fair amount of bad things & good things, however, today's post is going to focus on ALL THE GOOD! Hows that for a change!

Yesterday:

• walked to work
• drank lots of water
• walked home
• went running 7sets of 2min running 1min walking for about 2.5km
• bought healthy food (big box of cutie clementines! omg yum).
• went to bed early
• had a good sleep

Today:

• packed a lunch
• felt more alert then usual
• enjoyed my day at the office
• went running after work - 5sets of 3min running and 1min walking! 2.5km
• walked home after running - another 2km
• realized that I wasn't actually hungry so had some fruit for dinner and a bowl of plain yogurt with honey&walnuts. I'm feeling peckish right now. Might get a small snack.
• caught up with a friend who was on msn that I havn't talked to in ages. He is in a tough place and he felt better after using me for a sounding board and I feel great after getting to be useful.

I start my yoga class this Sunday after my run in the morning. I can't even tell you how excited I am about getting to give that a try.

Good Night All. I'm about to set out to perv upon your posts before bed time!!

50/50 is not good enough

I just updated my weight on the sidebar(inches will be done tonight).... and this is an all new fail for me. Three weeks in a row gaining. Totally.Brutal.

Of the 14weeks that I've been blogging, 50% of the time my weight has gone down and 50% of the time my weight has gone up. The downs are more then the ups, but still, that just not good enough.

In 14weeks I could have healthily lost 28lbs, with an average of 2lbs a week - which is both reasonable, realistic and manageable. That nearly 30lbs!! COME ON TAMZIN... pull your head out of the feed bag!!

Right now I'm averaging a loss of .55 lbs a week. Not that this is bad is still moving in the right direction, but holy hell I could be doing miles better. I'm trying to imagine what 28lbs less would be like right now. It would be pretty effing sweet to be 25lbs lighter....instead of 7lbs.

Time to get goal setting again and start getting my lists... I also need to get my gym gear in a bag and to the office so that I can get in my lunchtime workouts again.

If I am going to lose 100lbs, then I'm going to have to start working a LOT harder then this.

no joy - no surprise

I hopped up on the scale this morning and got no joy. Higher then yesterday so I'll just take my lumps here and move onwards.

I'm going to hold on to my happy thought of the week which is that the jeans that I wore home on the plane (and back, cause lets face it... I'm lazy and only brought one set of cloths, plus a change of smalls) were tight on me at Christmas, and this last weekend... loose enough that should I have vigorously jumped up and down, they would have fallen off.

Now, also to take into consideration is the fact that I have a huge waist and very small hips, so I very rarely actually zipper and button up my pants, most of the time I just slide them on! LOL

Regardless... Yesterday my water was excellent, however my eating... terrible.

bfast:
yogurt
banana
coffee & creamers x2
snack1:
pro-atmeal (oats, flax, protein powder)
Lunch:
plate of sweet potato fries with curry mustard for dipping
Large California spring salad.... 1 handful candied pecans, soft goat cheese, mixed greens, red onion & strawberries with a vinaigrette.

Let me just say that my sense of frugality was extremely offended that I paid $13.00 for that salad and I make virtually the same thing for dinner more nights then not and it does NOT cost me $13.00. Not only that, but mine are actually better and tastier (and with the apples it gives me a more satisfying meal with some crunch to it) and this was not a large. In fact, my lunch companion got a starter size of that salad and it was the same size only served on a smaller plate. I was very disappointed and will not be returning to that establishment for lunching anytime soon...and my "anytime soon" I mean never again.

Snack2:
Tin of flavored tuna (this one is just tuna in oil - which is quite nice)
Snack3:
can't recall
Snack4:
coffee and cream (Starbucks)
oat fudge bar (Starbucks)
Dinner:
3 hot Italian sausages
3 white hogie buns
lots of mustard

Anyway, that was yesterday and I have to keep moving forward... today is a running night (I think...we are switching between Tuesdays and Wednesdays), but if I don't have running tonight I'm going to go to the gym after work and do some running on the treadmill or jump on the elliptical machine. I must get back in the habit.

Today will be better then yesterday.

WI day and a daily goal

Well... I wish that I had seen Tena's comment on my last post before I stepped on the scale this morning. +1lb. However I did not manage my morning constitutional before weight in, so that had to count for at least some of that! HA! ....two poop posts in a row, how delightful!

I have a headache, my mouth was dry as the sahara this morning and my muscles are sore and tight....hello I'm dehydrated. So....there for we have a daily goal, something that I have not done in a while....

Today's goal: pee at the office 6 times (or more). I'm through 500ml of water so far and I have plans to get through 3L today at the office. I'm going to be using up my share of tp thats for sure.

I will have another weigh-in tomorrow morning and see if I can mitigate some of the damage done over the "weekend of cheese".

PP Update::
2 down, 4 to go!
edit::
4 down and 2 to go!!
I kinda thought that 6 would be easy in a workday... I need to get busy drinking water! 1.5L done so far. I don't think that I'll be getting 3L done in the next hour...but I can do another 500 at least!
Edit::
5 down 1 more to go ... and 1.9L has been consumed! I will imagine that I will need one last trip tot eh bathroom before I get home. Hurray... this is like the first goal that I've set for myself that I've been able to accomplish! LOL!

The weekend of cheese

SATURDAY
Up at 5am to fly home aka "snack central" for a day, well more like 28 hours. Craziness.

1 power crunch protein bar
1 nasty bag of airplane snacks (I honestly couldn't tell you what they were)
3/4 12 grain bagel w/ cream cheese
1 apple & cheddar dutch pancake (pannekoeke) with 2T Stroop (molasses based syrup)
4 slices turkey bacon
coffee & cream x2

Then off to see my Granddad. My Granddad was put in convalescence and he isn't doing great. So I wanted to get to see him asap. He is an old tired out man who's had a great life, so I'm trying to not be too sad. I think he is in a lot of pain and won't be long for this world. It will be a relief in all honesty, and I hope that his last days are as good as they can be. But I know how much he doesn't want to be fed, bathed and changed and that's where he is at now.

15 triskets, 4oz cheddar cheese
1 small slices quiche
1 small bowl of borsht
4oz cheese
1 cup wheat thins
4oz chicken breast
2c chip mix (cheesies, doritos, pretzels)

I did do good and picked up all the fixings for BNS mac&Cheese (MORE EFFING CHEESE...really...give my head a shake. I had cheese at every meal). I did do well though - I have 1c serving with broccoli and carrots.

1C BNS Mac&Cheese
1c steamed broccoli & carrots
about 4oz of cheese eaten while cooking.
1 full fat root beer
1 c reg vanilla ice cream
1T chocolate sauce
4 pecans

I certainly didn't drink enough water, either day and I'm suffering right now because of it. I also burned my hand in the oven and I burned the roof of my mouth on my bfast this morning. ...I am not a happy bunny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUNDAY
Up at 6am to get the flight home and end up having airport food:

1 bacon quiche (yes...there was spinach, but I just had to have the bacon) *sigh*
Large Fruit cup (oranges, melon, pineapple, grapes! v.yum)
1 crispy crunch chocolate bar
1 coffee w/creamers

I was at the airport at my morning *time* and ended up having to poop in a stall with someone next to me... I hate that. Better then on the plane I guess.

Once home I had a run at 1pm today so I needed to get a little rest (short nap) and food.

2/4c whole oats
2T BP2
1 handful walnuts
2T honey
1 power crunch protein bar

Run: 7x 2min running and 1min walking. We did about 35min in total with out warm up and cool down walks. It was cold and I ran harder then I would have liked. I can feel it in my legs right now. But I was happy that I showed up and did the workout. I was thinking about not going, but I did.

After I went for groceries and made sure to get some more ziplock containers. The more lunches I make, the more the dirty ones sit in the sink...now there is plenty and shouldn't be any problem. One less excuse to use anyway. After groceries I went to the cheese shop... I really needed a slap today. I got some more Stilton and a very nice sheep milk cheese, Manchego. Yum!

3c mixed greens
1/2 green apple
10 green grapes
3oz Stilton
1 handful walnuts
3T red onion
1T xvoo & 1T balsamic vinegar
4 lite rye crackers
1tsp becel
1 pot activia yogurt
protein brownie

I have been in a state of discontent for the reminder of the evening... looking looking looking for something to eat. I have almost dialed for pizza 4 times. I ended up having a "protein brown". They are not the greatest (in either taste or calories)- but better then a real brownie and packed with proteins as they are some shake/bar thingy the husband found. Very yum, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I am in savory/carb mode. Bread bread bread MONSTER. Even now.

I don't know what I'm going to do right now. My mouth hurts, but my stomach is growling. I feel exhausted... thank gawd there is no crap food in the house. I need to get to bed ASAP. I'm also terrified of what the scales are going to show tomorrow morning.

Also...in my laundry list of crap things this week. I had my old fillings replaces and they are still sensitive to hot and cold and to the touch. *CRY* Let this weekend be over.

EDIT::

just ate....
1/2c 1% cottage CHEESE
2 dill pickles

Friday Menagerie

Good/Bad today...more bad then good...or..maybe not. I can't really decide, I'm going to say that the scale will tell me tomorrow.

8.15am - Bfast:
coffee with cream
blueberry bran muffin
8.30am - Snack1:
4 pieces chocolate
9.00am ~~Dental Appointment~~ oh the irony of eat scarfing valentines chocolates before dental visit
1.00pm - Lunch:
2 pita, 2 laughing cow cheese, 2c mixed greens, 6oz turkey breast, 2T mustard
20 green grapes
3.00pm - Snack2:
10more chocolates
coffee with cream
5.00pm - Walked home 1.2km
5.45pm - Dinner 1:
1c whole flake oats, 1T flax seeds, 1T BP2, 1/2c skim milk, 1c water, 2T honey
6.45pm - Running class - 6x running of 2min running and 2min walking. We went really fast today, a little too fast, but I managed.
8.30pm - Dinner2:
FAST FOOD ALERT - Wendy's 1 taco salad (only 1T dressing), 1 sour cream & chives baked potato, med chocolate frosty

oops! well...that was poor planning for sure, plus I forgot that the company get everyone their own little box o' chocolates for v-day.

I'm flying home tomorrow morning for a quick visit with the fam damily. Back Sunday. Have a good weekend all.

Just another boring day before the day before the weekend

Today was a day of work, average eating (went out for lunch), good dinner at home and I'm tired, cranky and hungry. I have to get in bed before I get into the kitchen again.

Bfast:
1/2c almond milk
1/3c 1% cottage cheese
1 banana (lrg)
coffee & creamer
Snack1:
Coffee with cream
blueberry bran muffin (must break the pastry habit asap)
Lunch:
Starter salad with 1T blue cheese dressing
club sammich on whole wheat
fries
Snack2:
Apple
Dinner:
3c mixed greens
4oz turkey
1/2 apple
10 green grapes
1T red onion
1T evoo* and 1T Balsamic vinegar
6 lite rye crackers
1tsp becel
snack3:
3 lite rye crackers
1T cashew/macadamia nut butter
1/2T honey

Water - ok - closing in on 2.5L today... not getting in enough in the day at work. Needs improvement

Exercise: good - walked 3.5km today

Bed time! Dental appointment #2 of 3 tomorrow. Ug.

*it pains me to use the accronym evoo... alas I am sick of typing it all out.

recovered!

...from the brownie.

I wandered back into the kitchen to forage on more sweets after posting that.... when a fit of willpower struck me and I pulled my strawberries & yogurt from the fridge and ran back to my desk. Thank the Gawd of Snacks (whom I believe is Thor's sister, "Thunder-thighs") that I brought those with me this morning or things could have got U.G.L.Y.

I walked home 4.5km and had a large but healthy omelet for dinner and I've felt no need to eat more this evening, which is quite a victory in itself.

Bfast:
lrg banana
1/3c 1% cottage cheese
Snack1:
lrg half sweet mocha with skim milk
Lunch:
2 salmon sushi
4 spicy shrimp pieces
4 California roll pieces with avocado
Snack2:
brownie
coffee & cream
Snack3:
5 strawberries
1 pot yogurt
Snack4:
10 green grapes
2oz turkey breast
Dinner:
1 egg, 1/2c egg whites
2 small zucchini
1/3c red onion
1/2 tomato
4oz mozzarella cheese
1 pita
1tsp becel

Water - average - 2L so far, but I've not had much this evening - maybe 3 mouthfuls. Once again, didn't fill up my bottle and have had it sitting empty all evening. Must get some NOW.

....bless me for I have sinned....

treats showed up... I ate a brownie.

Treat day....or is it?

Today is Wednesday aka at my office as "treat day". However, there has been no treat sightings yet... occasionally this means that someone lazy has forgotten is is bringing it later, but it is getting close to lunch and Nada. I'm thinking that today I'm going to escape my typically hellish afternoon.

Our office has been soliciting ideas from people on how to cut costs given the current economic conditions, I am thinking that I will suggest cutting out the treat day (as you can spend up to $120 and put it on your expenses to the company) so that would save them $480 a month, 5,760 a year as well as being healthy conscious so that people do not have cake and donuts to stuff themselves with every week. No joke, I put on a solid 20lbs once I started working here.

I don't partake in the treats as often or with as much vigor as I used to, although occasionally I still do have one. But eliminating the temptation would be nice.

Today has been bad for water and food. I was out of bed late, got to work late, and didn't fill up my bottle when I got in. Bad Habit. If there is no water, I just don't drink it. I've also taken to putting a 500ml bottle of water on the bathroom counter at night and my goal is to drink that all every morning while getting ready to go. So far its been (surprisingly) easy. Access is everything I suppose.

Okay, no home brought lunch today... so I'm going to get some food court sushi... wish me luck!

oops! late one

today's brief breakdown:

6.35am
bfast: lrg banana & power crunch protein bar
7.30am
dental appointment (ug)
9.00am
at desk
10.30am
Snack1: coffee w/ cream & lrg blueberry bran muffin
12.30
Lunch:
2 pita breads, 1 whole tomato, 1T mustard, 2 triangles laughing cow cheese, mixed greens, 6oz turkey breast.
1 cup jackfruit pudding
4.00pm
Snack2:
6lite rye crackers, 1T butter, 1 small tin tuna
5.00pm
walked home 1km
5.30pm
Dinner:
1.5c bubble&squeak, 1/2 chicken breast, 1c baby bok choy
7.oopm
Running - 10x 1min jog, 2min walking. total 3km
8.15pm
Snack3:
1c whole oats, 1T protein powder, 2T flax seeds, 2T honey, 1/4c walnuts

Water has been good - approx 2.5L today. Likely not enough food today...I'm hungry right now, but I'm going to live! lol

thats all. Bed time! I'll have to perv on blogs more tomorrow.

Inches update ***NOW with significantly less sniveling

Weight in - 272.4lbs
up 0.2lbs
Inches - 321.4inches
same (different locations but same numbers)

Neck -16, Bust - 47.5, Ribcage - 41.5, Waist - 47, Hips - 52, Thigh (L) - 26.8, Thigh (R) - 24.8, Calf (L) - 18.9, Calf (R) - 17.9, Bicep (L) - 14.5, Bicep (R) - 14.5

I walked down the office stairwell tonight and thought about the first time that I did that due to the lovely Karen's stair challenge. I thought that I was going to D.I.E. and/or my hip flexers were going to rip right off my pelvis. Today, it was a quick and easy jaunt down 468 stairs to the main floor.

I walked home, at a good clip and wasn't breathing too hard. I remembered that I used to be breathing so hard that people in front of me would know to step aside - they could hear me coming. Today I'm a stealthier ninja like this blogger!

My abs are a little sore - from holding me up while I've started running... hey! I've started running!!

Perhaps I am clinging to a ball on Newtons Cradle, but I think that the swings are getting smaller. I have to remember that WANTING to eat half of China is not the same as eating half of China. My old habits and cravings will likely not go away as quickly as my disappearing inches. But, I'm going to have to learn to deal with it.

Thank you to TX Tena, The new viewer C, UK Helen, and the very fit and apparently nerdy NerdGirl. You are all right and thanks for your comments today - they gave me perspective.

Anyway - I've been neglectful with my piccies. Here you go for a little catchup on my photos.

Dinner tonight:
mixed greens
1/3c 1% cottage cheese
1/2 tomato
2T red onion
3oz mozzarella
6x lite rye crackers
1T becel
2 slices turkey breast
Lemon Perrier (spoiling myself)







Lunch Yesterday:
mixed greens w/ 1oz Stilton

Bubble & Squeak (made 5c I had 2c): 1/2 head cauliflower, 1/3 head cabbage, 2 med red potatoes with 1T becel and 1/2c skim milk (too much - less milk next time) and 4 cloves garlic browned slightly.

Chicken breast with lemon pepper seasoning pan fried in 1tsp olive oil.

Top Floor: Laughing Cow Cheese, tomato, becel, Cottage cheese, Pineapple&Jackfruit cups, Yogurts

Second Floor: Egg whites (and eggs), leftover bubble&squeak, leftover steam baby bok choy, strawberries, more cottage cheese, almond milk

Ground floor: cauliflower, cabbage, grapes, turkey breast, mixed greens (lunch on top - pita, tomato, mixed greens in container).

Basement: carrots, zucchini (of questionable state of perishing), potatoes, sweet potato.

Today should be a good day - but its not. I feeling trapped in Newton's Cradle. Batted back and forth from doing good and doing bad. I can't seem to find any equilibrium. This morning I was up to 272.4. That’s up another 0.2lbs. Last week I was elated to put on 0.2lbs post holiday but this week, not so happy (understatement).

Its really depressing to be moving soooooo slowly, yet, I only have myself to blame. Its not like I can't do better, I most certainly could, but I'm lacking the ... something … effort, desire, willpower, determination, strength?…..to manage to control myself.

Its actually pretty upsetting. Is there something WRONG with me? That I can not seem to find the happiness in "some food" instead of "lots of food". Why can I do so well in the rest of my life yet when looking at a menu I choose "burger and fries" over salad every time (i.e. today's lunch) EVEN when I know how upset I am about gaining again and how much I hate being fat.

Last night was the same ---- the ball swing up --- great start to the morning - good breakfast, running, coffee, groceries, healthy lunch, chores done… then dinner time rolled around all that I could think about was pizza and sausages ----the ball swings back----- …crazy obsessive thoughts about getting in my car and driving to Wendy's, the grocery store, the ice cream shop etc etc etc. I came really really REALLY close to picking up the phone and ordering in Chinese food/pizza (and a million other things).

I ended up cooking up some steamed baby bok choy and nuking 2 (yes that’s right TWO F*CKING dinners) lean cuisine frozen dinners - ravioli and cannelloni. Which were cheesy and fatty, half way through the meal I thought, "I'm full, I should put this in the fridge for tomorrow", but instead I took one more bite…then another and kept cramming it in my gapping maw until there was none left.

I know that this….as far as binges go, it was pretty lame considering the kind of damage I could have done/would have done in the past. But yet, here I am feeling JUST as terrible, just a guilty, just as pathetic as if I had eaten 2pints of ice cream and a whole large pizza (and I wouldn't have even counted the diet cokes since they are only 1 calorie HAR).

I know that it’s a mind thing… I do better, weigh less, am more active, drink more water, eat twice (or more) times the fiber, sleep better, look better, have clearer skin… and this is all before I'm actually out of the severely obese BMI category.

And yet… Here I am totally HATING myself today. Ug.

Sunday Running!

8am rolled around pretty darn early for me, given my usual standard of sleeping on weekends. I know that I am going to be shattered tonight early since I didn't sleep well or for very long last night. BUT... I still got up and went to my run. YAY!

It was cool but the sky was blue already. My "group" was waiting for me when I arrived (bad me, I won't be late again I hate keeping people waiting) and we set out. 10 sets of 1min jogging and 2 minutes walking. With 2min of walking to start and finishing with about 10min of walking to our starting point. It was once again, quite enjoyable.

Katie, I'm not too sure where all these places are - but I run (and they have walking clinics too) through a store called The Running Room. They have a great website and are all over Canada and the US. The program is a Learn2Run - giving us the slow start, basics of care for your body, equipment and of course, a person to run you who keeps time and motivates everyone to keep going. I know that there are other similar things through other running stores, you should have a look in your area!

Our "instructor" is a 40year old lady who has been recovering from a massive car wreck in which she significant brain injury. She was telling us today about it on her run - it was inspirational to say the least. She had a 4 year old and 1 year old twins when she was hit on the hwy (without then in the car thank goodness) and was in a coma for 2 weeks. She then had to say in hospital for close to a year. She has weakness on her left side and had trouble with processing speech and speaking quickly, but is back in school and is totally mentally aware, not mentally slow, but slower speech.

Here is the kicker.... She is running her first half marathon in 3 weeks.

Wow. ummmmm My complains about being fat and not being able to run are pretty darn weak compared with recovering from something like that. She is a darling, very supportive and really keen to help everyone start on their running journey. She talked about how it helped her get motivated, move better. I really don't have any excuse that can stand up next to that.

The philosophy of their running is this. If you can not hold a conversation (slightly breathy) then you are running TOO HARD and you need to SLOW DOWN! I like that a lot. We also never leave anyone behind, if you are in front when the min run is done you walk back to the last person (although most of us never get that far ahead). The instructor runs with the slowest person so you are never alone running behind. Its a very supportive atmosphere that is conducive to enjoyment and the focus is on personal achievement instead of racing or trying to beat a time or other such nonsense.

Also, I can't believe how great I feel today, physically good, but also calm and really happy.


I bought groceries after the run and have the laundry half started/finished. I heaved all the food in the fridge when I got home (see picture). I'm going to be cooking and sorting into containers later into my little ziplocks and baggies, I'll post a post-organization fridge piccie too (for all you Fridge-P0rn loving perverts out there!)


1. Run. DONE - 3km
2. Groceries - DONE
3. Return movies - DONE (I even walked although I got another coffee!)
4. Clean kitchen
5. Laundry
6. Cooking and organizing food for lunches
7. Reading & Relaxing

Tena - becel is a marg here in Canada, not too sure if you can get it in the US. This is really quite nice actually. The link is to the one that I use (I have the lite one too) - it has extra virgin olive oil in it! Yum!

Walking/Working/Weekend

So far today:

• Slept in til 10.30
• Went to the office for 4 hours
• Went for a leisurely walk with friends for 40min (about 2-3km)
• Home finally made lunch/dinner
• Perved through blogs

Today my abs are a tiny little bit sore, from my run I think. Which is actually nice, because I wasn't sure I actually had any! HA!

I didn't eat well this morning, however I did up my water lots and I'm feeling good about that. Post walk I had some more "food-lust" thoughts that I really struggled with. The combo of being both hungry and in my car (aka food chariot) is a bad one. All the fast food joints that I could visit or "swing by while driving. Today I focused on thinking about what was IN the Fridge at home. Decided on foods there that would make me happy (and still be better for me), and drove the rest of the way home thinking about this:

Green salad w/ apple & oil&vinegar dressing
5oz mozzarella cheese
6oz turkey breast
6 lite rye crackers
1T becel
1c greek yogurt w/2T honey & 7 almonds

This made me grin big sitting here. Look at that!! Good foods, good for me (too much perhaps) but the alternatives that I negated with this food were - Wendy's, McDonalds, Fatty fast, greasy beige ugly foods that I would have paid $12.00 for easily.

HURRAY for greens and fibre.

Now... its shower time, I'm out to visit with some friends and get a late dinner at a Vietnamese place. Noodle soup for me tonight. Happy Saturday!

Friday Night Lights!

Tonight was running night and it was cooler and a little windy - but I was layered up properly and it ended up being really lovely out, ever...got a little sweaty!

Our distance was 3km. We jogged our intervals and ended up running 2km and walking 1km of it. Very awesome. I felt strong and enjoyed the running a lot. Which is exactly where I wanted to be. It feels good to get out and move my legs like that (and yes...jiggle the butt). The group of runners we are with are very interesting and fun. Its a great evening in all honesty. Next run is on Sunday.

Food today was poor. Water...diabolical. I'm very dehydrated and struggling to get more water in me. Strange how that works, the less I have the less I drink. Must correct that this weekend.

Bfast:
Power crunch protein bar
coffee with creamer
snack1:
coffee with cream
cranberry bran muffin
Lunch:
Indian food buffet ...okay... let me just stop right there. *glances at pictures to the right* THAT is not the body of a person that should go to any place that serves ALL YOU CAN EAT. Because I don't see that as an "option" I consider that a person challenge.

All in all I did okay in terms of what I should be doing. However, in terms of what I used to consider "normal" for this place is about 2x more then what I had today, I would have typically gone for 2 or 3 plates! Ug, embarrassing. I admit that there was a lot of desire to eat more, more butter chicken, more nana bread, more more more.... But I had my one plate (albeit heaping) and that was that. So that is good/much better. I was pretty full after and I really didn't need to eat that much, however I'm going to give myself a 7.5/10 for effort for this luncheon.

-cucumber tomato salad (no dressing)
- rice
- chickpea veggies balls
- curry potatoes
- lentils and sweet potatoes
- chicken masala
- lamb curry
- butter chicken
- 2 med nana
- sweet rice pudding & sweet ball (oops! that was bad, but very small)
Snack2:
1 pita bread
1T BP2
Snack3:
Power crunch protein bar (then out the door to the run)
Dinner:
3 oat/egg pancakes (whole oats, flour, egg whites, skim milk, flax seeds,frozen raspberries. mixed up in various quantities until they are the consistency of batter...oaty chunky batter.)
2T honey

...went to take a pic...camera is dead. Poop. They were damn tasty and all this text is bloody boring!

5 outa 10 today

I'm going to give today 5 stars out of 10.

Work was crap, umm more like extreme crap. But it is "work", they DO have to pay me to be there soooo there are going to be times that I'm not as jazzed about being there all the time.

Regardless my eating was better then yesterday - but I was so busy that I didn't get a chance to log my food and track my calories and I would have been very curious. I shall attempt to reconstruct it here ... memory is slightly foggy....

bfast:
pot of yogurt that expired on Feb 3.... it was still good (I think.hope) - 100c
1/4c Good for your mango granola - 100c
coffee with cream x2 - 75c

Lunch:
2 pita bread sammiches with the following split between them - 250c
6oz turkey breast (deli style) - 140c
2T mustard - 5c
2c mixed greens - 25c
2 lite Laughing Cow cheeses - 45c
1/2 can diet coke - 1c
1 pot pineapple custard (from the Asian market) kind of strange - but yummy - 74c
Snack1:
Large half sweet skim milk mocha with whip - 275c
Dinner:
2c autumn squash mix soup - 400c
4 v.small slices rye bread (end bits) - 120c
1T becel - 30c
3oz mozzarella cheese - 100c
3 med dill pickles - 65c

So around 1850 calories (I'm guess at some of these numbers but it should all round its self out).

I feel good even though I was sooo hungry when I got home that I scarfed my food and even ended up drinking the soup out of the bowl because the spoon was too slow. HA!! No piccies today for that reason. teehee

Water: 2.5L today so far. Getting better, but my one calf muscle has been sore and crampy so I know that I have to get more water ASAP!

Exercise: 468 stairs...I haven't done those in a while!! Then power walked home 5km! woot!

So I'm a little sore and tired in the legs today - I do need to get some more sleep and more water. That will help with my mood and my stiffness.

Tomorrow is another running night and... I'm looking forward to jiggling my butt around!

Stiff Leg Goat....

This is for you Tena...

I give you ... Fainting Goats!

Jiggly Butt

Last Friday was my first "real" run outside and it was pretty darn good actually. I did feel a little like the class clown, I have to remind myself not to be too loud in our group sessions pre-run. lol I got the evils from the instructor! oops!

We ran 1min segments and walked for 2minutes between 7 times and covered 3km. I'm not panting, sweating or heaving by any stretch, this is a very gentle slow moving course that builds gradually, but its still great for the mind and the body. I really wanted to start off slow and enjoy myself! Which I am.

Tonight's run was a "training" run and our little band of runners met up and did our 7 sets of "1 and 2's" with some walking for warm up and cool down at either end. I have to say, it was perhaps the most pleasant way to end a day of work. Plus its nicer to be in a group of slow moving "runner" so that you don't stand out all alone with people zipping by you. Ah, safety in numbers. :) Plus I hid in the middle so that no one running up on us can see my jiggly butt!

Food today was 50/50.

Bfast:
1c almond milk
1med coffee with cream
1 protein powder, flax seed and 1/2c whole oats

Lunch (early at 11.40am):
starter green salad (lovely mix) with 1T blue cheese dressing
1 burger with fries
Snack1:
1 protein bar (post run)
Dinner:
large bowl mixed greens
1/2 green apple
3oz Stilton
2T red onion
6oz turkey breast
6 Raincoast Crisps (cranberry & pecan)
Snack2:
unsure....we'll see if I need anything tonight or not.

I have to say that pre-lunch I was hungry - but I didn't even feel like nibbling on anything this afternoon after my big lunch. Not even before my run. YAY!

Water - still not great 1.5L so far and I need to get another at least 1L in me before bed.

Today was also TREAT DAY at the office. I wasn't even remotely tempted... that was a total non-scale victory for me. I didn't go in and ogle the donuts, sniff them, take one and throw it out. In fact, I got the "treats are here" email and promptly forgot all about it.

Not a bad mid-week day. Tomorrow...packed lunch and MORE WATER.

Back in the groove!

My little holiday passed in an eye blink and here I am back in working land and hating life! Today was a nightmare and it made me wonder why the hell I even went away on holidays if this is what its going to be like on return! It really should be called a work deferral program and not a holiday. I had to do 3 hours of overtime to get ahead to go away and now I'm staring down the barrel of another 5hours to attempt to get caught up.

Anyhoooo. that's the glass half empty review. The great news is that I had a wonderful rest, got to sleep in, relax and enjoy myself totally. *wink wink nudge nudge* know what I mean! Regardless of my weight... one mans "side show" is another mans "Disneyland"! HAHA!

We actually ate pretty darn well. We made our own breakfasts, did some deli style shopping for rich savory foods and enjoyed them in smaller quantities. Had at least 2 home made meals a day and snacked pretty good.

Dim Sum - the "exotic" stuff like coriander & lime squid, mushrooms wraped in tofu, Chinese broccoli with oyster sauce....NO dumplings! Okay... red bean buns for afters! I do love me red bean paste!

Stilton and peppered duck breast salad - home made with fresh greens, and some great cheese and duck from the fine cheese shop. It was lovely - avocado, duck, walnuts, Stilton and apple on greens with oil&vinegar dressing. LURVLEY

Oat pancakes with honey and strawberries - oatmeal, BP2, flax seeds, little bit o flour, eggs whites, almond milk mixed up and straight into the non stick pan. A bit of local honey on top with some fresh strawberries cut on the side. Beautiful.

ButterNutSquash mac&cheese - movie night and comfort food. We even made a special little pot of it with some Stilton in, and a salad of greens and tomato with a green mustard vinaigrette. Total indulgence without a million calories.

I had too many coffee&creams out, I had tim-bits and movie theater popcorn (I KNOW its sooo bad for you, but its sooo damn good), we had sticky buns and noodles too and even a couple of meals with a dessert after. But we split the treats/desserts and I enjoyed it more. I made more thoughtful choices and the hubby was really supportive of eating our own foods and not always requesting the "bad" foods. I bought a small baggies of little candy covered chocolate eggs (yay Easter!) and we split it. It actually struck me as strange since I hadn't bought a store chocolate like that in ...well.... months!

I didn't do great on water - I'm suffering for it now still. We tried, but its harder to think about it when you are not sitting next to a big glass of water all day. But, such is life.

So...now for the numbers. I didn't do my inches and .... I'm not going to (LAZY!....SCARED!!) but I did weight in this morning at 272.2lbs.

That's a .2lbs gain over my holiday. WOOHOOO!!!

I'm really pretty pleased. :) Anyway - tomorrow is a running night and I'll tell ya about my running course when I get in tomorrow.

now....to perv on all the people!!!