Today should be a good day - but its not. I feeling trapped in Newton's Cradle. Batted back and forth from doing good and doing bad. I can't seem to find any equilibrium. This morning I was up to 272.4. That’s up another 0.2lbs. Last week I was elated to put on 0.2lbs post holiday but this week, not so happy (understatement).
Its really depressing to be moving soooooo slowly, yet, I only have myself to blame. Its not like I can't do better, I most certainly could, but I'm lacking the ... something … effort, desire, willpower, determination, strength?…..to manage to control myself.
Its actually pretty upsetting. Is there something WRONG with me? That I can not seem to find the happiness in "some food" instead of "lots of food". Why can I do so well in the rest of my life yet when looking at a menu I choose "burger and fries" over salad every time (i.e. today's lunch) EVEN when I know how upset I am about gaining again and how much I hate being fat.
Last night was the same ---- the ball swing up --- great start to the morning - good breakfast, running, coffee, groceries, healthy lunch, chores done… then dinner time rolled around all that I could think about was pizza and sausages ----the ball swings back----- …crazy obsessive thoughts about getting in my car and driving to Wendy's, the grocery store, the ice cream shop etc etc etc. I came really really REALLY close to picking up the phone and ordering in Chinese food/pizza (and a million other things).
I ended up cooking up some steamed baby bok choy and nuking 2 (yes that’s right TWO F*CKING dinners) lean cuisine frozen dinners - ravioli and cannelloni. Which were cheesy and fatty, half way through the meal I thought, "I'm full, I should put this in the fridge for tomorrow", but instead I took one more bite…then another and kept cramming it in my gapping maw until there was none left.
I know that this….as far as binges go, it was pretty lame considering the kind of damage I could have done/would have done in the past. But yet, here I am feeling JUST as terrible, just a guilty, just as pathetic as if I had eaten 2pints of ice cream and a whole large pizza (and I wouldn't have even counted the diet cokes since they are only 1 calorie HAR).
I know that it’s a mind thing… I do better, weigh less, am more active, drink more water, eat twice (or more) times the fiber, sleep better, look better, have clearer skin… and this is all before I'm actually out of the severely obese BMI category.
And yet… Here I am totally HATING myself today. Ug.