Thank you for stopping by to perv on my blog, as I fight myself to change my old habits and make new ones to get fit. I don't get it right all the time, but I'm still here and I'm still working at it.

Tamzins Double Dog Dare You Ticker!

My homage to the 14lbs that I lost on Allan’s DDDY Challenges. A watering can for the vast oceans of water that I have learned to drink and love every day.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Today should be a good day - but its not. I feeling trapped in Newton's Cradle. Batted back and forth from doing good and doing bad. I can't seem to find any equilibrium. This morning I was up to 272.4. That’s up another 0.2lbs. Last week I was elated to put on 0.2lbs post holiday but this week, not so happy (understatement).

Its really depressing to be moving soooooo slowly, yet, I only have myself to blame. Its not like I can't do better, I most certainly could, but I'm lacking the ... something … effort, desire, willpower, determination, strength?…..to manage to control myself.

Its actually pretty upsetting. Is there something WRONG with me? That I can not seem to find the happiness in "some food" instead of "lots of food". Why can I do so well in the rest of my life yet when looking at a menu I choose "burger and fries" over salad every time (i.e. today's lunch) EVEN when I know how upset I am about gaining again and how much I hate being fat.

Last night was the same ---- the ball swing up --- great start to the morning - good breakfast, running, coffee, groceries, healthy lunch, chores done… then dinner time rolled around all that I could think about was pizza and sausages ----the ball swings back----- …crazy obsessive thoughts about getting in my car and driving to Wendy's, the grocery store, the ice cream shop etc etc etc. I came really really REALLY close to picking up the phone and ordering in Chinese food/pizza (and a million other things).

I ended up cooking up some steamed baby bok choy and nuking 2 (yes that’s right TWO F*CKING dinners) lean cuisine frozen dinners - ravioli and cannelloni. Which were cheesy and fatty, half way through the meal I thought, "I'm full, I should put this in the fridge for tomorrow", but instead I took one more bite…then another and kept cramming it in my gapping maw until there was none left.

I know that this….as far as binges go, it was pretty lame considering the kind of damage I could have done/would have done in the past. But yet, here I am feeling JUST as terrible, just a guilty, just as pathetic as if I had eaten 2pints of ice cream and a whole large pizza (and I wouldn't have even counted the diet cokes since they are only 1 calorie HAR).

I know that it’s a mind thing… I do better, weigh less, am more active, drink more water, eat twice (or more) times the fiber, sleep better, look better, have clearer skin… and this is all before I'm actually out of the severely obese BMI category.

And yet… Here I am totally HATING myself today. Ug.


Tena said...

I think you're having a worse time of it this week because you were on holiday. Don't be so hard on yourself. I know you want this so bad but we have to remember we are trying to change years of bad habits in a short time. Be patient and kind to yourself.

I'm trying something new this week. I've been told that L-Glutamine (an amino acid) is good for cutting sugar cravings. I'm taking 1000mg twice a day. I think I can tell a difference already. Think about it, it's worth a try.

C said...

I totally understand. I did the same thing this weekend. I gorge myself when I know I am full just to have that 'feeling'...I know you know what I mean. I did great until I wanted a slice of cheesecake then I ate one, then a LC w/ 2 slices of bread and contemplated another slice of cheesecake, wtf? I was full so I didn't but still why did I want it?

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've done that a lot, but I'm slowly learning not to be so hard on myself.

Nerd Girl said...

the best advice i can give you is to never let yourself get hungry. That means having a little something even if your not hungry just to make sure that you don't get hungry. Most of the time i start craving bad foods, its because i am starving. If i am not hungry, i have a clearer mind to pick better choices. Also look up items on the glycemic index(google search) the lower the food is on the GI, the less likely it is to spike your insulin, which also causes cravings. Don't worry about the one day though, i have been there I used to binge quite a bit and i know the feeling of guilt, but just pick yourself up and move forward!!! You can do it I know it :)