Today before I had even left the office I had decided that I was going to eat a large thin crust double pepperoni pizza and 2 diet cokes for dinner...
I thought about it for the last half hour of work, I thought about it as I got changed to walk home, I thought about it while my co-worker was talking to me on the walk... I thought about it until I got a little closer to home.
Then I started thinking. Do I really want to get up tomorrow and know that I ate a whole large pizza to myself, and drank 2 diet cokes and feel like crap and dread getting on the scale. And then have to tell myself "how much better I'll be now to make up for it", when I know that isn't my style.
So then I started trying to find a way out..."I'll get chicken souvlaki and calamari....no....I'll stop and get crackers and soup, no I'll order more chinese food..."
So I made the ultimate deal. If I went home without stopping to get anything, I could eat WHATEVER and HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. No matter what... IF it was in my house - I could have it, but nothing else.
So here it is:
3oz cheese & 10 almonds (eaten while prepping the rest).
2 chicken breasts (sauteed in little oil and lemon pepper seasoning)
15 asparagus spears & 1/2 tsp becel
1 sweet potato & 2 small beets cut thinly and coated with 2T evoo then baked on a tray in the oven ( not long enough mind you they could have been a little crisper)* haha - re-reading this I laughed at my "evaluation" of the potato that I ate by the forkfull without any appreciation of flavor, indeed...."could have been crisper" I'm too much!
Honestly....I thought that I wouldn't feel full after this - but I certainly did. I still feel full now and this was nearly three hours ago.
I thought that I was going to eat WAY more then this because today.... I felt empty. I felt just depleted and beaten and I wanted food. I wanted to feel full, stuffed, bursting, ...ug, I can't even think of words to say for this emptiness...... I wanted that instead of tired, sad and empty.
I ate this dinner in massive gulps, just trying to fill up as fast as I could. Its strange - that need, that feeling of wanted to be filled up, yet not really need the food, but my brain telling me that this will make me feel "good".
Now I have strange feelings of remorse, and yet a feeling of a small victory as well.
I am proud that I managed to talk myself out of pizza and pop and a binge that would have been really horrid on my body and that would have most likely snowballed into a weekend long binge.
I know that chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus (mind you with enough extra fats added - oil etc.) are not going to stay with me as long as 1lb of pepperoni and 1lbs of white bread crust would, and that there are good things in these foods, so in that sense I feel great about how I managed to weasle out of my original plan. I still hate that those thoughts can creep in and dominate my mind and that I can still eat SO BLOODY MUCH. Those are both dinner sized plates. 2 whole chicken breasts!!! Good gawd!
Anyway - thats enough beating myself up. I am proud, I managed to escaped though the best hatch that I have right now from a terrible binge that was coming on. I'm going to keep on having these kinds of moments, and I'm going to have to dealing with them.
So there we go. Today, I'm going to end with a body positive quote that I saw today that made me smile.
"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points" - Mae West.