Thank you for stopping by to perv on my blog, as I fight myself to change my old habits and make new ones to get fit. I don't get it right all the time, but I'm still here and I'm still working at it.

Tamzins Double Dog Dare You Ticker!

My homage to the 14lbs that I lost on Allan’s DDDY Challenges. A watering can for the vast oceans of water that I have learned to drink and love every day.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Lets make a deal.....

Today before I had even left the office I had decided that I was going to eat a large thin crust double pepperoni pizza and 2 diet cokes for dinner...

I thought about it for the last half hour of work, I thought about it as I got changed to walk home, I thought about it while my co-worker was talking to me on the walk... I thought about it until I got a little closer to home.

Then I started thinking. Do I really want to get up tomorrow and know that I ate a whole large pizza to myself, and drank 2 diet cokes and feel like crap and dread getting on the scale. And then have to tell myself "how much better I'll be now to make up for it", when I know that isn't my style.

So then I started trying to find a way out..."I'll get chicken souvlaki and calamari....no....I'll stop and get crackers and soup, no I'll order more chinese food..."

So I made the ultimate deal. If I went home without stopping to get anything, I could eat WHATEVER and HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. No matter what... IF it was in my house - I could have it, but nothing else.

So here it is:

3oz cheese & 10 almonds (eaten while prepping the rest).

2 chicken breasts (sauteed in little oil and lemon pepper seasoning)
15 asparagus spears & 1/2 tsp becel

1 sweet potato & 2 small beets cut thinly and coated with 2T evoo then baked on a tray in the oven ( not long enough mind you they could have been a little crisper)* haha - re-reading this I laughed at my "evaluation" of the potato that I ate by the forkfull without any appreciation of flavor, indeed...."could have been crisper" I'm too much!

Honestly....I thought that I wouldn't feel full after this - but I certainly did. I still feel full now and this was nearly three hours ago.

I thought that I was going to eat WAY more then this because today.... I felt empty. I felt just depleted and beaten and I wanted food. I wanted to feel full, stuffed, bursting, ...ug, I can't even think of words to say for this emptiness...... I wanted that instead of tired, sad and empty.

I ate this dinner in massive gulps, just trying to fill up as fast as I could. Its strange - that need, that feeling of wanted to be filled up, yet not really need the food, but my brain telling me that this will make me feel "good".

Now I have strange feelings of remorse, and yet a feeling of a small victory as well.

I am proud that I managed to talk myself out of pizza and pop and a binge that would have been really horrid on my body and that would have most likely snowballed into a weekend long binge.

I know that chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus (mind you with enough extra fats added - oil etc.) are not going to stay with me as long as 1lb of pepperoni and 1lbs of white bread crust would, and that there are good things in these foods, so in that sense I feel great about how I managed to weasle out of my original plan. I still hate that those thoughts can creep in and dominate my mind and that I can still eat SO BLOODY MUCH. Those are both dinner sized plates. 2 whole chicken breasts!!! Good gawd!

Anyway - thats enough beating myself up. I am proud, I managed to escaped though the best hatch that I have right now from a terrible binge that was coming on. I'm going to keep on having these kinds of moments, and I'm going to have to dealing with them.

So there we go. Today, I'm going to end with a body positive quote that I saw today that made me smile.

"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points" - Mae West.


Amy on Track said...

Looks absolutely delish!
You had a beautiful healthy colorful dinner. Much better for you than pizza or chinese.
I'll probably make something very similar for dinner tonight...with the exception of beets. No thanks.

Jeanne said...

There must have been something in the air yesterday because I was feeling the SAME way. But you did way better than I. I stopped at the Pretzel Shop to order stuff for my daughter's party tonight and I left with what I THOUGHT were 3 mini pretzels for myself. Turns out it was buy 3...get 3 free....so I had SIX!!! I ate FIVE....hey, I saved one for my son!! (lol) And let me tell you, that screwed me up for the entire rest of the day. WHITE FLOUR IS DEADLY TO ME!!!!

Cognrats to you!!! YOU ROCK!!


Angie (Losing It and Loving It) said...

It was so great to see you make that choice to eat much healthier foods. It's a mind game sometimes and I know how it goes.

Next time, maybe take out one chicken breast and have a mini salad or another veggie? That potato and beet concoction sounds yummy!

Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you made the healthier choice and you "should" feel proud of yourself. I know that feeling of wanting to be full and I've given into it. But the feeling the next day of remorse and guilt out weighs that good feeling the night before.