Thursday Slump

Ug, today is alternating between lightspeed drama and totally dragging!! What a mental day at the office.

My second full liter today is dragging, have to get back on that. After this post is finished I will be at 103.5oz of water. I'm planning on at least half a liter on the way home, and then another 1.5 liters this evening. That will be a total of: 169.5oz of water today. Not too shabby.

Food today has been great. I'm feeling good, healthy food going in is always better. My cold is not doing me any favors. I'm getting in a hot bath when I get home, taking some meds and will be snoozing peacefully by 9:30 I hope.


Here is the count:

Challenge!

Today is going well, despite my dinners out, and this is a real mind-flip from what my life was like mere weeks ago.

This week at the office there has been an incredible amount of temptation, of which I have NOT indulged, not even once. A few weeks ago I would have been eating upwards of 5 or 10 mini-treats a day. (then wondering why my pants are tighter….go figure).

The desk next to mine has an overflowing Halloween bowl of pretzels and candy corn, and a little bowl of Hershey kisses, Reese’s pb cups and all sort of mini chocolate bars. I had glanced at them a couple of times; I’ve even caught myself reaching for it once or twice, but stopped myself. Yesterday in the kitchen someone dropped off a mountain of leftovers from Halloween. Chocolate bars, gun, chips and candy. I stopped to look at it – then forced myself to move along. No need to window shop if I’m not intending to buy.

The DDDY challenge has been great. I’m enjoying all the fabulous blogs that it has lead me too, including Allan’s totally NO BS attitude blog where he gets on with getting on and telling it like it is. I love it. You know, it’s a challenge, and by definition it should be difficult. I think that the trap I’ve laid for myself before has been that I have not anticipated, or prepared for the difficulty that is ahead.

If being thin was easy, I would already be there. It’s a difficult, rocky, steep path, hard enough to make you think twice about climbing up. I have quit in the past because it was hard to manage food, it was hard to prep lunches, its hard to get up early and go to the gym before work (which is something else that I have to get started back into), it was hard to say NO to treats… I deserve them right?

I’m up for the challenge. I want the challenge. I need the challenge. I had a coach that always said, “if this training were easy, everyone would have an Olympic Gold medal”. It’s the difficulty and struggle that adds value to the goal.

So that is what I’m going to think about when next week rolls around and I’m sucking back the monster amount of water needed in the "Son of DDDY Challenge Challenge"!

10:45 am and I’ve had: 1.5L water, 10oz coffee, and 3oz Food-water. For a total of 62.5oz and the day is just beginning. My plan is to sip constantly, every time I look at my water and see it - I take a drink.

All Planned out

Ahhhhhh. This afternoon the hubby is dropping our friends off at the airport to head home. I'm sad to see them go, but I'm pleased to be able to get back into my normal routine.

I was VERY pleased this morning to jump on the old scale... 297.4. WOW! I was thinking that it would be a gain, but I guess that Thai-Hot veggie Tom Yum soup did its magic. :)

I had my morning Liter of water before work, but my cold is settling in deeper now and I'm not that interested in food or water. I've finished my 2nd liter, but its just not going down well. I have some decaf tea and squeezed lemon right now and that is making me feel a lot better.

I've eaten just over half my lunch but I'm just not into it. I'm putting the lid on it and will finish it for my afternoon snack today. This is how normal sized people eat... right! Why force it?? ahhh progress.

I'm looking forward to a quiet night watching Hells Kitchen, then reading in bed, and getting some good shut eye to try and fight this off. I have another busy weekend coming, I do NOT want to be sick.

Here is today's plan. Oh and I'm so very pleased with my cut and paste jobbie from excel. This is much easier and more fun!!:

DDDY Food today

Right... failing to plan is planning to fail. I over ate my calories today at dinner. I am planning on making up for the extra 300 later in this week.

I left the office early before my afternoon snack to meet up with my out-of-town guests. Bookstore coffee, marshmallow bar... totally forgot about those later when I was eating dinner.

The good for today was that I did NOT pig out at dinner. I took some, ate slowish and did NOT finish the entire thing. Quite happy with that. Calories were not great.

As much as I am going to hate to see them go, its going to be nice to not eat out again this week.. or this month if I have my way.

Water today: 2.5L planning on another .5L before bed at least.

Food today:
H-town Breakfast - 280
coffee - 2
cream - 90
Choc Almond pattie - 420
Fit Mac & Cheese - 360
2 Raw Red Peppers - 62
Kashi Pumpkin Pecan bar - 120
Banana -105
coffe & cream grande - 90
marshmallow bar - 210
Tom Yum Soup - 75
Green Seafood Curry - 180
Beef Curry - 300
steamed rice - 206

Total: 2500
Ideal Total: 2090
Difference: +410

BS: 2

1BS - knowing that I should have planned my meal before I went out
2BS - as I ate my dinner knowing that I was going over.

& now for something completely different

So this weekend I did a LOT more stuff out in the public than I would do on a typical weekend.

It was a little scary.

I’m used to more intimate fatness. Being fat in a restaurant, at work, in my car, at the gym and at the walking park, grocery store. Places where people are distracted and may not see me.

I am NOT used to being fat in places where people-watching occurs. Sunday was particular disturbing. Being fat, with a slim friend, at a massive crowded mall. It was a vortex of shame that sucked me in and spat me out the other side a wet warped messy ball of self-loathing, the likes of which I have not experienced in quite some time.

It was really hard to walk and out of stores where the people in there instantly knew you couldn't fit into ANYTHING in that store. Its Humiliating. Then … all the mirrors and windows reflecting back at me what I look like while walking, sitting, standing. It’s really not great.

I am SO much fatter than I thought that I was. There really is some sort of mind warp that goes on. Of course I look at myself in the mirror in only the most flattering ways in the morning so that I can get out the door without crying. So really there is no surprise here. I have been deluding myself into thinking "I'm not that bad" but I am. Its a very bitter pill to get down.

I’m trying to stay positive, and this is working. I’m happy and getting healthier. My weight is going to come off… but the real question is ...

How did I get this big and how do I make sure never to do it again?

These will be answered along the way I’m sure. Lyn at Escape from Obesity has some really interesting posts on self perception, food and weight and today she said something that really struck me today. Here is the post.

DDDY challenge - Todays Food

Today is going well. I’m very pleased with my water intake. Its 2pm here and I will be done my third liter of water by the time I’m done typing and posting this. At lunch I made a plan, looked at the numbers and made my decision on dinner. I have it written on a sticky note in my wallet so that I don’t forget. The plan means that tonight at dinner I will eat 2 out of 3 grilled chicken tacos on corn tortillas, also leaving all the rice and beans on my plate. I can have 5 chips with salsa to start, and of course. Water.

I’m having my favorite afternoon snack, and this one is filling! It’s the My Fit Foods Steele cut oatmeal with walnuts and blackberries. I always add an extra fruit to it (usually peaches) but today it’s a banana. We are not going to be able to go out for dinner until 7.30. So I’m going to eat my snack an hour later than usual so that I don’t go home and start wanting to graze/snack.

I am slightly disappointed in my 1lb loss this week – even though I know rationally, any other week prior to the last two it would have been a 4 or 5lb gain with the path that I am on. There, typing it out is much better. SEE SELF... that is a HUGE victory!!!

Losing is losing. Last week I had a huge number because I cut my calories so drastically, and I had been over indulging SO badly. This week is steady progress even with my less than good for me foods. Salty salty salty. No wonder I'm plowing through the water today.

So, the end of this week and coming weekend I’m going to really enjoy my food and eat my calories and get moving a little more. I’m quite sure that its going to be a huge difference. I’m already excited for the phase 2 of Allan’s DDDY challenge.

Here is today.

Water: 3L and counting (2pm)

Food:
MFF Good Morning Sunshine - 330
Coffee - 2
Cream - 90
MFF Happy Apple pattie - 350
MFF Gimmie More Chicken Salad - 300
Activia Strawberry Fiber - 110
MFF Oatmeal - 290
Banana - 105
5 Tortialla chips - 50
1oz Salsa - 6
2 Chicken Tacos Rancheros - 460

Totals: 2093
Ideal Total: 2090
Difference: +3

Monday Weigh in

I can't remember if I am supposed to weigh in... or not weigh in. But I typically do once a week and so I guess it shall be done.

This morning I was 299.

That is down 1lb from last week.

This is a major victory considering that:

1. I’m on my period right now, and
2. I spent Fri-Sunday not eating the healthiest and salt-free food, and
3. I had not had my morning poop.

ahhh blogland... where you can talk about your most private bodily functions out in the open for all to see! hahaha Enjoy!

I was disappointed yesterday with my food/calories – but really, I’m more disappointed that I haven’t done what I said that I would. Manage my eating. That has not happened. So this week WILL be better.

I have my lunch and everything for work all planned out for the week. We have 1 or 2 more dinners to negotiate before I can go to my normal home eating routine. Tonight I have a good idea of where we are going. So I’m going to make a plan for that at lunchtime today and stick to it tonight. I do well when given little choice. My decision making skills with food on the fly are extremely poor to nonexistent. So I know my calories left, I will make a plan, I will order that and eat that only.

Other than that, I still am chalking this one up as a win. And on an awesome note… I had 1L of water in me before I even got to the office this morning. WOOT.