food for thought

A good nights rest last night was much needed. I'm still a little sick, but I think that I can beat this one. I'm worried that my mouth isn't healing properly so I'm going to make a dental appointment to have my dentist take a quick peek. Done and gone...he says all is fine. *PHEW* That's a relief.

I have to say that I've really been thankful for the comments this last month, they have been really great and supportive. I've been having a struggle and still am. I guess my difficulty lies in the fact that I want big results with little effort. (who wouldn't). However, these little changes feel so monumental that its hard to reconcile such small changes from that perceived effort and sacrifice. Perhaps this is the heart of the issue. That food has been (and still is) so important to me that any small change feels so radical.

But we all have our own things to deal with. I was waiting at the dentist and reading the greatest Canadian publication ever - Readers Digest - and there was a section called - "Think like a Skinny Person". Some of it was good, but some of it was bad (per normal fatness articles) and it left me wondering how I'm going to actually change the way that I act/think/behave towards food. Will there be a time when I open a bag of cookies and eat one and FEEL HAPPY (as the article insists that I can)? I honestly don't know what that is like. Its like trying to get me to tell you what its like to pilot a plane or be the president.

I can recall back as far as my memory goes and I have struggled with food. One that stands out is an incident I remember at a family gathering and there was a big chocolate double layer cake with chocolate icing (I do note how much detail I remember about the food in question) - everyone else had taken a piece and I was allowed to cut my own. I took a slice 2x the size of everyone else. I was maybe 6 years old. Half of it fell in the sand (we were at the beach) and I was upset, my mother said to me, "you had too much anyway - look at how much you took - no more cake, that embarrassing". This is just a single event in a million over my lifetime that I could tell you about. And I wonder, why am I like that?

I know that pure restriction dieting works (it does, but not for very long)...but that really isn't fixing the issue. I wonder if the consistent vigilance that is required by WW or similar programs is something that I can sustain or if I will eventually just fall off the wagon? I read blogs about successful weight losers and they have changed what/when they eat - but they most seem just as obsessed with food as I am. The real question is:

Will there ever be a time when I DON'T have to think about food???

I know blogging is good and that tracking what I eat is good for me - becoming more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth. I guess I don't understand that there is a different way to be. I know I'm dysfunctional - but when I'm eating it really doesn't feel that way (most of the time). Although that is sort of changing too... I'm more aware of when I'm overeating - but still not able to really manage it yet.

Perhaps this is the first steps towards the real goal. A regular appetite, a normal outlook on food, the ability to indulge myself occasionally without going "crazy" for a week past. I hate to think that I'm going to spend the rest of my natural life struggling with food... but I suppose that I may have to swallow that fact and get with it. The sooner I do, the better off I'll be, and the sooner I can take steps to try and make peace with this.

No real resolution here…just…more food for thought! Ha! :)