Back in the Game

So much to blog about after a month off. So I'm going to break it down into a couple of categories.

First of all I just want to say that I'm starting to feel like my weight is the only thing that defines me anymore. I need to get out of this mode.

1. time off/home/emotional eating (mostly whining)

2. fitness done/undone
3. horrific photo
4. new meal plan/calorie counting
5. weight in/biggest loser/ranch

1. I have been away for 2 week in my hometown looking after my mother after her hip replacement surgery. I have a tenuous relationship with her at best and she is not easy to deal with, especially when she is feeling unwell. I am also argumentative, stubborn and occasionally spiteful. This is a very volatile combination. I was on my best behavior for about 3 days before the first major eruption.

I often feel very taken advantage of with her , Yes, she did pay for my and my husbands tickets to come up there and look after her.... with her points program (read here the MOST inconvenient flights for us ever). She fails to acknowledge that her "gift" cost us about $600 in airport parking, baggage fees (she told me to "pack light"... pack light we are coming for 12 effing days...), and an overnight at a hotel in Seattle. It cost us 12 vacation days from work. And the 12 days worth of hotel charges ($1,750) since she is in a one bedroom condo now with no where for us to stay.

Needless to say I was unimpressed when I was told that I was on a holiday at her expense... especially since we were cooking, cleaning, shopping and carting her about for that time.

Also I became an all consuming vacuum for food as I vainly tried to eat my way into a coma of unfeeling. My stomach is literally in knots right now as I re-live this. Emotional eating is on my list of things to get taken care of. I have to stop feeding myself to death.

2. While we were at home I did manage to get out and do some exercise, we did a number of long walks. Nothing really hard on the body. But it was needed and good for the soul. But I've stopped my morning work outs and I've been doing some walking, but once again. Nothing hard enough to really get my heart rate pounding and make a difference.

All the good that I have done, has now been undone. Its very frustrating and occasionally it is overwhelming. You know ... why me, why is this so hard, why can't I do this, why is food so tasty, why don't I say no.... All that stuff that I use to stuff food into my gob.

3. I participated in a fun sporting activity this weekend. It was a highland games competition - we were being judged and recorded for places/prizes. I had a woman tell me that since I loved the trophy's so much (it was a cool block of wood with the place burned into it), that she would give it to me.....

It was one of those moment where I saw myself through her eyes. Clearly, she thought that I was too fat, weak, incapable etc to be able to win it fairly. Then I saw this photo published of me and I understood why she thought that.

ps. I won third anyway... so there! HA!! My one small victory of the last month.

4. However this photo has now become my desktop picture, so that I can remind myself where I am right now.

I've decided to go back to calorie counting. Which is really the only way that I have been able to constantly lose weight and manage myself. I don't like how much time it takes and the drudgery of doing it. So, I'm making changes.

For the next 2 weeks I am going to eat exclusively the My Fit Foods. Breakfast, Snack 1, Lunch, Dinner. Snack 2 and 3 are going to be fruit, yogurt or a kashi bar. Then for 5 days we have a friend in town visiting, so it will be off for dinners but ON for bfast, lunch and snacks. Then for the following 2 weeks back on the same full day plan.

After that I will see how it is going and get a new plan hammered out.

5. Biggest loser is on again and I do love watching it. However this year I'm SERIOUSLY considering going to the ranch in Utah. In fact so serious that I'm surfing their website and looking at times that I might be able to go. You know... its $1200 for a week (about), and I've wasted 10x that amount on food, restaurants, movies and shoes I don't wear. I am NOT going to balk at spending that kind of money on my health anymore.

So there you go. I think that is MORE than enough for a first post back. :)