I got to the gym and weighed in last night. Before I got there I was so excited and curious - even a pound down would have been okay - I'm so happy with my inches, that I don't care what the loss is. And that it would not be a loss was not even ANYWHERE near my thoughts.
I stepped on the scale. 290lbs. What The F**K?!!!!!!???!!!! I put on a brave face, but inside I was torn up. a gain for 8 lbs... that... that can't be possible??? Can it.
Fear started to creep up. I got through my step class - I worked hard, my shirt was drenched in sweat and I was exhausted, but instead of feeling good, and thinking about all the wins (how great my legs are looking - that my shorts were loose - that the inches were coming off), all that I could see was the monster in the mirror. The fat gut jiggling as I jumped around on my step, the scale number looming in my brain.... 290lbs? how, why, what.... I know my eating has been poor, but I've been losing inches and doing yoga and step class - exercising at least 5 days a week as well as cleaning and general moving.
Fear. Fear Fear Fear. I can't do this, its too hard, why do I bother if the scale only goes up, what if I can't do it, what if I just keep failing. BLARRRRGGGGGG
I came home and told myself that I wasn't going to think about - remember it or blog about it. I wasn't going to worry about it - post it up, mark it down or make it real. But this fear. It just keeps gripping me.
But... it just keeps sliding up into the foreground of my thoughts. So I guess that means that I really need to talk about it.
Yesterday I was feeling so good, feeling great after my yoga, longer & leaner, like things were getting better.. then this.
This Fear has made weigh loss look impossible, but its not. The Fear is making me think that losing weight is too hard, but its not.
I will do this. I will.