The Tragedy of Getting What You Want

I feel that I should explain why I chose the quote for my page. When I said that I have been fat for 20 years, that is really more of a mental state then just a purely physical one, since I have looked back at the photographic evidence and there are times where I was indeed "not fat" but in my mind at that time, I still saw myself as fat and believed at all times that I was indeed fat.

At the times when I have been my fittest (and lightest), I have often been the most cruel to myself. Subsequently falling back into that weight gaining cycle. This is the tragedy of getting thin, even when you are there is a giant mental flip that needs to take place. One of the best things that I have read in the last bit was an article called The fantasy of Being Thin. This article rang true for me.

The thinner that I have been, the less happy I have been since….shouldn't all my problems have been solved by virtue of my waistline? How could this be, I'm thin and I'm not a married millionaire model with a porche and house in Maui… life sucks, pass the ice cream….omg I'm fat life sucks, pass the dip.

I'm not happy with the way that I look or the size that I am, but more I am unhappy with the limitations that my weight puts on me physically. Here I am at my fattest and I have the best job that I've ever had, got married 2 months ago, I own a home, I have amazing friends and life is pretty darn exceptional. So I have to keep reminding myself that I am not going to change who I am by losing weight. Being fitter isn't going to make me a better person, I'm a great person already. I just want to enjoy my active life and treat my body more like a machine and less like a garbage dump.

So that quote is a little something to remind myself daily while posting here: I don't want to get what I want and for this to be another tragedy.

This time I'm going to make sure that doesn't happen.