Thank you for stopping by to perv on my blog, as I fight myself to change my old habits and make new ones to get fit. I don't get it right all the time, but I'm still here and I'm still working at it.

Tamzins Double Dog Dare You Ticker!

My homage to the 14lbs that I lost on Allan’s DDDY Challenges. A watering can for the vast oceans of water that I have learned to drink and love every day.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Salad & Shopping

Yesterday we had a huge salad left over from a catered lunch at the office. Just a big 'ol green salad with some cherry tomatoes and baby carrots. Nothing too interesting... and typically what happens is that post-lunch it goes into the office fridge and then stays there until it rots and gets tossed out in a week.

So .... I grabbed that salad and took it home with me! The household plan WAS going to be ordering in Chinese food for dinner however, what DID happen was that we got a roasted chicken and a loaf of French bread and had chicken, salad and bread for dinner. What is it about white bread with butter that is like my kryptonite? I had 3 pieces. But, I ate a massive amount of greens. It was nice. I was happy and instead of $50 on take out - we spent ohhh.... $12.00 on dinner for four.

I feel very happy.

Post dinner I went out to do a little clothing shopping. I had a gift card that was "Spend $100 and get $50 off". That is the kind of deal that I can not resist. Get $100 of clothing for $50...
There really wasn't much there that looked good on me - or that I liked. Honestly - I've never had so much trouble spending $100 before in my life. Then.. a sad thing happend.

I needed to try on a long sleeve white shirt under a jacket and the customer service lady was helping. Now please bear in mind that this is a plus size shop and I know I shouldn't be so upset, but I am. She looked at me and said "you're a 2x right".

Shamefully I am. Well - not shamefully...okay... Yes...shamefully I am. And I'd been trying to tell myself that its not that bad…but it is.

I remember when I was an an 16/18 in shirts... then an X and then a 1x and now... I'm a 2x and I'd been looking through the clothes and trying to convince myself that its just the clothes and not me. But it IS ME... I'm too F*cking Fat. I log into my blog here and SEE MY PHOTOS and you know… its totally disconnected - like that isn't even me. I DON'T see that when I'm walking around or putting on my clothes - but that IS what I look like. ARGGGGGGG

So after all that... I'm feeling like rubbish, I don't want to be a 2x, but I don't seem to want to make any changes in my life either? Do I? I say I do, but I feel like I never make any choices that support that. "Lady, put the bread down and move away from the table"!

I walked to work this morning - and I'll walk home tonight - and try to eat better and get my water in and keep moving in the right direction. It's just that the experience took the wind out of my sail for a bit. I guess, just htat someone could SEE my fat and know just how big I am. That is what was upsetting.

okay. Enough moaning myrtle for today. I have to just keep going forward.


Brandi said...

Ok, moments like that are hard. But you can either use the emotions it brought out as motivation to change, or you can let them bring you further down the hole you are trying to dig out of. You can decide and I know you're strong enough to make the smart decisions!

Remember that famous quote: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results....

Well, maybe you need a change. Something to jump start a new plan.

Think on it. Reflect on everything going on.

And DO IT!!

Good luck!!

Nina said...

You can do it, dude. Bread is totally one of my biggest weaknesses, but after doing Atkins for the past few years, I can confidently say that it didn't kill me to not eat it. :) I always remind myself that someday, when the weight is lost, I can treat myself to bread.

Remember, the world won't run out of bread! You can always have it later, after you've lost the weight. :)

Getting Healthy said...

I was at a lecture the other night (on what motivates you) and during the Q&A a person was talking about things that are said and how they effect feelings and thoughts. The speaker brought up the idea of the power these times have over us. Why do we let it have that power? It is in our control to take what we need from it and let go of what we do not. I'm still working on that. Trying to enjoy what is right now while working on getting to what I want. Try and remember she works there and deals with sizes. Others do not see a big scarlet 2x on you, you're more than the cloths.

Ah bread... my DH is a bread fiend. Just had to get use to having it around and passing on it. Just a bit and I'm lost (fresh warm or toasted true evil ;-O).

Deniz said...

Oh Tamzin - I do feel for you as I've been there too, shedding tears in private after a chance remark, even though it wasn't meant unkindly. All I can say is try not to let it get to you too much - as Brandi said, use the emotion to motivate yourself.

Remember, you are doing something about it and you WILL succeed. Take pride in that part of you and cut yourself a bit of slack about the size thing - that's just temporary, right?

Go for it, girl, and be proud of yourself for doing so!

big_mummy said...

just came across you and wanted to say hi. i feel for you when you say shamefully you are, no not shamefully, ok yes shamefully, totally know that feeling. try and turn the emotion on itself and use it for good, i know that is easier said than done, but we have to rewire our brains i guess!

SeaShore said...

Well, you made an excellent choice to rescue that salad from rotting in the office fridge!

I don't have a very good mental picture of what I look like either. To me I look pretty much the same as I did 80+ pounds ago. Back then, I thought I looked much as I do now. Even looking at photos doesn't help.

Before I started losing, I had pants that were very similar to a coworker's. One day we wore them on the same day and she said "hey, we match!". A third coworker took it upon herself to unneccessarily blurt out: "Phht! Not really, you're nowhere near her size!" My coworker being an 8, and me a 20+. I was so embarassed. I mean, it was true and she didn't intend to be mean, but did she have to point it out?