Yesterday we had a huge salad left over from a catered lunch at the office. Just a big 'ol green salad with some cherry tomatoes and baby carrots. Nothing too interesting... and typically what happens is that post-lunch it goes into the office fridge and then stays there until it rots and gets tossed out in a week.
So .... I grabbed that salad and took it home with me! The household plan WAS going to be ordering in Chinese food for dinner however, what DID happen was that we got a roasted chicken and a loaf of French bread and had chicken, salad and bread for dinner. What is it about white bread with butter that is like my kryptonite? I had 3 pieces. But, I ate a massive amount of greens. It was nice. I was happy and instead of $50 on take out - we spent ohhh.... $12.00 on dinner for four.
I feel very happy.
Post dinner I went out to do a little clothing shopping. I had a gift card that was "Spend $100 and get $50 off". That is the kind of deal that I can not resist. Get $100 of clothing for $50...
There really wasn't much there that looked good on me - or that I liked. Honestly - I've never had so much trouble spending $100 before in my life. Then.. a sad thing happend.
I needed to try on a long sleeve white shirt under a jacket and the customer service lady was helping. Now please bear in mind that this is a plus size shop and I know I shouldn't be so upset, but I am. She looked at me and said "you're a 2x right".
Shamefully I am. Well - not shamefully...okay... Yes...shamefully I am. And I'd been trying to tell myself that its not that bad…but it is.
I remember when I was an an 16/18 in shirts... then an X and then a 1x and now... I'm a 2x and I'd been looking through the clothes and trying to convince myself that its just the clothes and not me. But it IS ME... I'm too F*cking Fat. I log into my blog here and SEE MY PHOTOS and you know… its totally disconnected - like that isn't even me. I DON'T see that when I'm walking around or putting on my clothes - but that IS what I look like. ARGGGGGGG
So after all that... I'm feeling like rubbish, I don't want to be a 2x, but I don't seem to want to make any changes in my life either? Do I? I say I do, but I feel like I never make any choices that support that. "Lady, put the bread down and move away from the table"!
I walked to work this morning - and I'll walk home tonight - and try to eat better and get my water in and keep moving in the right direction. It's just that the experience took the wind out of my sail for a bit. I guess, just htat someone could SEE my fat and know just how big I am. That is what was upsetting.
okay. Enough moaning myrtle for today. I have to just keep going forward.