Seesaw

Well today is weigh in day and I was optimistic for a loss, but not surprised to see the scale go up again.

Weight In: 294.4

Up - 1.6lbs

I'm really VERY pleased with my exercise this week, and I will be carrying on with that and I shall these this stand as the high point this week.

But Thursday - Friday - Saturday my eating was... frankly ...a little ridiculous for someone who is "trying to lose weight".

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were GREAT! lots of greens, good veggies, home made dinners and lunch's... and under calories every day (-200-400 daily).

Thursday night post dinner - we ended up at the Dairy Queen and I got a hot fudge Sunday, I also had the mini scone and latte that day.

Friday is "breakfast day" at the office and well... I ate (over the course of the day) 3 donuts and a sausage, egg and cheese croissant....then it gets worse. We went to the movies.... Popcorn and M&M's shared with Hubby... and then a couple of sushi rolls shared post movie for "dinner".

Saturday day was good... but we went for dinner at a nice Indian restaurant and I really gorged myself. Not good. Not good at all.

ARG.

So now, in light of typing out all of these ... I really can not be surprised that I had a gain this week. I can workout all I want, but if I eat too much, there is never going to be a loss.

Right... Right. This is not news. This is not rocket science. I seem to be able to manage one or the other at the moment. Good eating - no workouts... Good workouts - poor eating...

Next week I'm going to get this under control. I need a solution for "free for all Fridays" when its all terrible food and sweets laid out in the office kitchen (giant home breakfast is what I'm thinking). I started eating poorly and then I stopped counting calories. This week I will count calories BEFORE I eat the offending items.

Math lesson

The math never lies.... fatty food + too much food + no exercise = GAIN.

This week was not an easy one. Thursdays incident has breed in me a thick fog of self hate. I thank all of you for your kind words, they did help, I'm going to move on. Certainly I can not blame my entrire week on it - this weeks downfall started Wednesday night and was propelled forward from there. I stopped doing what I needed to... track calories and started listening to the food-monster inside of me.....

"eat out..... don't get a salad get a burger.... you lost 4lbs...you can treat youself...drink pop one won't matter" etc etc etc **sigh**

Wednesday Dinner:

Bacon Cheese burger & onion rings

Thursday:

Food was great all day...making up for the buger and rings.

Upset sets in....

Friday:

Sweet potato waffles (5)

2.5 donuts

3 coffee & creams

chicken tenders

side salad & blue cheese dressing

Chicken Tacos with chips and queso

Saturday:

cookie (just one thank gawd they werent that good)

Pizza with pepperonie and mushroom

Giant Cherry limeaide from Sonic (WTF was I thinking?? This is more soda then any one human should consume in a week)

Sushi at 10:30 at night....Hubby and went out for a late dinner (we are so effing stupid) and had 4 different rolls at a lovley sushi place. Very nice - Yes. But eating at 11pm at night. OMG.... WHY WHY WHY)
THEN>>>>>>>> we stopped at the grocery store because he wanted something sweet. EVERY fibre of my being said to say no, but I didn't and I had a Reese's peanut butter egg. There is 500 calories that I didn't need at midnight.

I'm so ashamed of my food that I have yet to track all the calories that I ate. I will go and correct this this afternoon. AND I put in my calories for the burger on Wednesday but I only put it in the calories count for a cheeseburger not adding the bacon.... you know... why lie to me?! I'm such a mess.

Today I have had a large orange, a coffee with cream and a pumpkin bread slice form Starbucks and its almost 1pm. I feel bloated, sick, upset and angry. I'm mad at myself and this morning I was all like"oh I've been good - I've been working and eating lots of fruits...I look thinner in the mirror" and trying to fool myself into thinking that the scale would be just as kind.

Its not. 297lbs Yup...STRAIGHT back up.

My exercise this week was so limited... the punctuation walk on Thursday and then Friday night I went to the gym and walked for 50min on the treadmill. That is the sum total... where is the Tamzin that was running three days a week?? I want her back.

Walk it off

I had a bad Friday - even though I had such a great weigh-in. Forget "jinxing"
more like "sabotaging". But regardless, lunch on Friday was a burger, side salad and small amount of fries. The rest of the day went well - I even ate breakfast!!

Dinner was pretty darn good, I had some friends over to cook for and I made quinoa for the first time.

Appy - 1 massive scallop and 1 jumbo shrimp with garlic butter, sun dried tomato and dijon mustard)
Dinner - pork tenderloin (marinated in ginger, pepper and brown splenda)
quinoa pilaf (1/2 water. 1/2 chicken stock, ground ginger, and pepper)
mixed veggies ( spinach, snow peas, asparagus and broccoli)
Dessert - fatty, icing covered cupcakes! I had two. ug.

Today I woke up and felt tired and bloated... yep - not anywhere near enough water yesterday. Ug. Bad move. Luckily I had read this post last night before tucking into bed.

I was sitting at the computer, thanking about coffee and danishes and fatty bad foods that I could go and buy... and I thought. Right... first of all - put on your clothes - you lady are going for a walk - the sun is and you WILL do it. I hoped in the car and took off to one of my fav walking areas and did 35min in the sun. How awesome does that feel after. :)

Tonight is movie night... its going to be a bad one I know, likely pizza. I'm eating pre-movie date with Friends and I'm going to be extra conscious of my portion sizes. AND drink water like a man fresh from the desert!

Tomorrow I'm back to running and I have my yoga. I'm ever so excited, I really loving it. I also joined another yoga class for Wednesday nights - a starter yoga that will give me the basics of another style.

All in all, its a pretty good start to the weekend.

50/50 is not good enough

I just updated my weight on the sidebar(inches will be done tonight).... and this is an all new fail for me. Three weeks in a row gaining. Totally.Brutal.

Of the 14weeks that I've been blogging, 50% of the time my weight has gone down and 50% of the time my weight has gone up. The downs are more then the ups, but still, that just not good enough.

In 14weeks I could have healthily lost 28lbs, with an average of 2lbs a week - which is both reasonable, realistic and manageable. That nearly 30lbs!! COME ON TAMZIN... pull your head out of the feed bag!!

Right now I'm averaging a loss of .55 lbs a week. Not that this is bad is still moving in the right direction, but holy hell I could be doing miles better. I'm trying to imagine what 28lbs less would be like right now. It would be pretty effing sweet to be 25lbs lighter....instead of 7lbs.

Time to get goal setting again and start getting my lists... I also need to get my gym gear in a bag and to the office so that I can get in my lunchtime workouts again.

If I am going to lose 100lbs, then I'm going to have to start working a LOT harder then this.

Today should be a good day - but its not. I feeling trapped in Newton's Cradle. Batted back and forth from doing good and doing bad. I can't seem to find any equilibrium. This morning I was up to 272.4. That’s up another 0.2lbs. Last week I was elated to put on 0.2lbs post holiday but this week, not so happy (understatement).

Its really depressing to be moving soooooo slowly, yet, I only have myself to blame. Its not like I can't do better, I most certainly could, but I'm lacking the ... something … effort, desire, willpower, determination, strength?…..to manage to control myself.

Its actually pretty upsetting. Is there something WRONG with me? That I can not seem to find the happiness in "some food" instead of "lots of food". Why can I do so well in the rest of my life yet when looking at a menu I choose "burger and fries" over salad every time (i.e. today's lunch) EVEN when I know how upset I am about gaining again and how much I hate being fat.

Last night was the same ---- the ball swing up --- great start to the morning - good breakfast, running, coffee, groceries, healthy lunch, chores done… then dinner time rolled around all that I could think about was pizza and sausages ----the ball swings back----- …crazy obsessive thoughts about getting in my car and driving to Wendy's, the grocery store, the ice cream shop etc etc etc. I came really really REALLY close to picking up the phone and ordering in Chinese food/pizza (and a million other things).

I ended up cooking up some steamed baby bok choy and nuking 2 (yes that’s right TWO F*CKING dinners) lean cuisine frozen dinners - ravioli and cannelloni. Which were cheesy and fatty, half way through the meal I thought, "I'm full, I should put this in the fridge for tomorrow", but instead I took one more bite…then another and kept cramming it in my gapping maw until there was none left.

I know that this….as far as binges go, it was pretty lame considering the kind of damage I could have done/would have done in the past. But yet, here I am feeling JUST as terrible, just a guilty, just as pathetic as if I had eaten 2pints of ice cream and a whole large pizza (and I wouldn't have even counted the diet cokes since they are only 1 calorie HAR).

I know that it’s a mind thing… I do better, weigh less, am more active, drink more water, eat twice (or more) times the fiber, sleep better, look better, have clearer skin… and this is all before I'm actually out of the severely obese BMI category.

And yet… Here I am totally HATING myself today. Ug.

Cheat to Win?

Today is going to be a good day - I've decided that already. Strange the power and lack of power that I can be given with just my mind. Yesterday, I decided to cheat, and so I did. Today, I know that I won't as I have already made up my mind on it.

Yesterdays non-office cookie eating victory was shallow when compared with the lack of restraint I showed with the rest of my daily choices. I have to keep looking back and remembering what my habits used to be like... and that I am moving in the right direction and that it IS making a difference. My dinner guest last night was totally astounded with how much "weight I'd lost". Its really not the weight lost that is so great - its the 7 inches that have been craved off my frame. :) But I'll take any compliment that I can get at the moment.

I got up this morning and threw the rest of the cookies that I had purchased yesterday, in the garbage. They were $1.99. I'm going to say that I enjoyed the cookies that I ate yesterday at least 3x as much as the cost. And now, I've thrown away the other cookies that would have put me in the red in terms of cost to my goals. So, good deal!

I'm still doing LOTS of things wrong. I'm still trying to cheat to win... like I'm trying to convince myself that "I want my cake, and I want to eat it too" attitude is justified. The sneaky feeling that I can still have the treats that I "want" and get to the goal that I "want". Eventually, there is going to be a time where one of those two wants is going to have to hit the road... in the past, its been the goal.

"I'm big boned, I'm not designed to be thin, Genetics, this is good enough"... ad nausium.... All the things that I tell myself to lose track of what I want. I have to say - that until I saw this blogger I NEVER believed that anyone who looks like me would ever be able to get to look like this. She is done most of her journey, and is more maintaining now - but she is the same height and was near the same starting weight. Her weight loss both inspires and scared me to death... it CAN be done!!! omg... it can be done... but CAN I DO IT???

Why can't I give up the morning mocha's?? Why did I have to have 2 servings of pumpkin custard when I would have enjoyed one?? I guess, I'm asking questions that I'm not able to answer yet. Mentally or even physically. But the good part is that I'm starting to question myself. I've had a few great moments where I've thought that I needed to eat, but instead listened to my body and realized that I was not hungry. What a strange and wonderful feeling that is.

Wednesdays Blathers

Got my internet back last night - but I had an old friend over for dinner (so not nearly enough blog perving as I would typically enjoy). I cooked for her and it was ALL CLEAN FOOD.... and... she loved it. YAY!! No guilt dinner!

Yesterday was busy busy busy. And... no surprise, I was naughty. I let the head-monsters tell me that "I had been so good that I could have a burger for lunch". I sat at the restaurant and debated getting a salad. Then I flipped a coin and burger won. FOR REAL, I even gave the salad heads!! I should have known better, that if I was that torn, I should have had the salad, but that need to indulge myself was strong and I was weak and full of reasons to let myself fail.

Bfast:
Kashi Bar, Lrg Banana
Snack1:
Skim milk latte
Lunch:
Starter salad - greens with 1 tsp blue cheese dressing, Lrg burger with cheese and bacon, 8 large fries
water
Snack2:
pro-ameal with pumpkin custard
Dinner:
1/4 slice of Acorn squash, 1/5cx spinach, 1 pork loin with 1T applesauce
Dessert (yes...a day of indulgence):
2 servings of pumpkin custard, 2T whip cream, 5 low cal ginger cookies

Water: 3.5L

Exercise:
468 stairs down to ground floor from office, walked home 1km, vigorous cleaning for 35min

Would you like some 3.14159265

Reduced caloric Intake + moderate exercise = weight loss

This isn't rocket science, I know the formula that I have to follow to succeed. I read about it daily on the blogs of people here - eating better, getting regular exercies, treating their bodies with the respect that they require and their bodies respond, drop fat, get leaner, the lbs fly off the scale.

But yet, in the darkness of my home, its just easier to NOT change, Eat the π, pretend that I need the snacks and that life stinks and I'm destined to be fat forever no matter how hard I "try", and then cry in the bathroom on Monday mornings when I go up in weight.

I'm up .6lbs this morning. I'm upset about it, although there is really no reason to be since I wasn't kidnapped this weekend and force-fed by crazed Mongol warriors bent on fattening me up for a winter feast… Nope. That didn't happen… but this did:

Friday Night - subway foot long sandwich with full fat dressing, bag of salt&vinegar chips, can of pop.
Saturday - coffee with whip cream, muffin, rice crispy square, take out Thai food with coconut (sweetened) rice, pop
Sunday - coffee with 2oz full fat cream, "whole wheat raspberry" scone, about 4 servings of dinner - BNS mac&cheese, 2/3c of extra sweet pumpkin custard (because I didn't have anymore containers to put it in, so instead of throwing some away - or putting it in a bowl in the fridge with some plastic wrap, I eat it.)

Thats not including the other regular food that I consumed as well for breakfasts and lunches.

Sunday I couldn’t even drag myself out for a 30min walk even though the sun was out and it was lovely. The cleaning was considerably less vigorous then I was going to do - no floors or windows were scrubbed. I was a lump of nothing this weekend and it feely crappy. I also let myself freely graze on dinner instead of measuring it out and then making sure that I have had enough water, which yesterday was a very dissapointining 2L.

Then I get up and weigh-in and I'm upset that I've gained over the weekend. I guess the real tragedy would be if I had lost more weight - then I would have been more inclined to continue binging and cheating on weekends instead of thinking that perhaps I should be more diligent.

Epic Fail - Pumpkin

Right, so when making the pumpkin custard it is of importance that you get a can of "PUMPKIN" ... not "pumpkin pie filling", as I have done (both times I'm pretty sure).

I made it anyway, and in the end a 1/3c serving is still only 75calories, which is a nice treat, but... its got a LOT of sugar in it and that's not good. In fact, its so sweet that I don't even really like this - so maybe the last batch was just pumpkin... not too sure. Regardless, let this be a reminder that I MUST check the labels carefully.

1/2c brown sugar splenda - 192
1/2c egg whites - 60
1.5 c Almond breeze - 100
15oz pumpkin pie filling - 648
spices - 0
Total - 900 calories.

I managed to get 12 1/3c servings. 900/12 servings = 75calories. Which isn't too bad. However..... The pie filling has 17g of sugar per 1/3c serving.

There are 7.2 servings in 15oz.
7.2 x 17 = 122.4/12 =10.2g sugar per serving. and that's not even including the sugar content in the other ingredients. ARGGGG

Well - off to the freezer they go - and next time I'm going to be SURE that what I'm getting is JUST PUMPKIN .. no effing sugar. 1 out of 5 star for shopping today. *Pout*

Monkey Say ... Monkey Do

I was out getting my morning coffee at the local Starbucks...I use the word "morning" in the loosest sense of the word as it was 1.30 is the afternoon, and I started thinking about the difference between saying and doing.

What sparked this was while waiting in line (at every Starbucks that I have been too - and that's a LOT (from Seattle (mecca of coffee) to TX to Hawaii, just about every stinking province in Canada, England, Ireland, Wales & Scotland) - and even though Mr.K hates Starbucks I must be caffeinated each morning or things will get ugly fast), you have to stand next to the tempting, tasty, sugar filled, very sexy cookies, cakes, donuts, fudge bars, scones etc etc. In my 2min wait to order, I thought about eating eat one of these bad boys and did a significant amount of mental math on how I was going to work a "low fat" scone (HAR HAR low fat).

The (normal sized) man in front of me fell for the temptation...and I got to witness the conversation:

Man - I'll have the choco-chunk cookie
Barista - one or two cookies?
Man - one please
Barista - the white chocolate one or the double chocolate one?
Man - oh, well....
Barista - they are BOTH very good ((Barista gesturing over the cookies seductively))
Man - alright then one of each
Barista - no problem sir, would you like me to apply these directly to your ass for you?

...oh, that last bit only I heard.

I got my weekend treat - venti half sweet skim milk mocha latte without whip. That is treat enough and as it stands, more then I should be having!

This little adventure got me thinking about what I'm saying and what I'm doing. Also my post regarding my friend and the butternut squash incident. I'm pretty close to being hypocritical, if not past that line already since I spout off about how I'm doing better and changing (I am - but I'm letting some things slide).

There are a number of things that I am doing that are really REALLY counterproductive to my goals here:
I have not been exercising for at least three weeks now;
I've only just started trying to get more water in me; and
chiefly, lack of Sleep.

A typical night for me M-F is into bed at 12.30-1.30am and wake up is 7am and I'm at the office at anywhere between 8 and 8.30 (well 8 is the start time, but there have been whole months where I have not showed up to work "on time" once and I NEVER have time to blow dry my hair....woolly hat to work if its cold!).

I use my weekends as "sleep catch up". Its not uncommon for me to sleep to noon or 1pm on Saturday and until 11 on a Sunday. The MOST sleep that I will get on a weekday is 7 hours and that's if I lay in for an extra couple of snooze hits. Not the best quality for sure, typically getting about 5.5 - 6.5 hours of sleep a night. Not good enough.

I know that getting more/better sleep does a body good, especially if you are trying to "lose weight". Staying up late is a terrible habit and I need to break it. I have done some reading on it and I'm going to make a new month goal.

For January, I'm going to make it my mission to get +8 hours of sleep a night.

Two hormones that signal the appetite, in opposing methods, may explain why we overeat when we under-sleep:

Shortage of sleep lowers levels of leptin, a hormone that suppresses the appetite. When leptin levels are depleted, the body thinks it needs food, when in fact, adequate amounts of food may already have been consumed.

Another hormone, ghrelin, sparks the appetite. Research has shown that insufficient sleep elevates levels of ghrelin, making you hungry.

So there you go, I need to feed my body the good food (check), water it adequately (check) and let it rest and recover. ...nope.... Magic? Nope. Common Sense? Yes. Can I do it? I can, but I'm going to have to work at it. But some things are work working hard for, I think Mr.K would agree that I'm one of them.

Friday Introspection & How I am a Liar

I have 32 "perverts" watching me now and I LOVE IT!!! :D thank you all for coming here - stopping in and being along for the ride. Its fabulous.

I have so many things that I want to blog about but every time I buzz through my blog-pervlist I see that you all are already talking about them and doing a damn good job of it.

Its really comforting to see that even though I want to think that my experience is so totally unique and exceptional, I'm bloody wrong. There are people out there struggling with the same issues, challenges, woes and triumphs.

I like it, I like it a lot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wish that I was super busy and that I didn't have time to blog and think about this - but I'm going to try and see if getting it out is going to be better then keeping it in.


Last night I made my BNS Mac&Cheese for my friend and her family. I was hoping that she would be as excited as me about it - maybe even beg me for the recipe, rave about how yummy it was, or something... nope. Nothing, nadda. Other then - "thank you for coming by and cooking for us, that was really great to have a night off".

I have to say that it was kind of upsetting to me.

She is my best friend and she is/has been struggling with weight for a long time too. She lost 70lbs on Weight Watchers 3 years ago. Got married, got preggers and now - nearly 2 years since giving birth - she now weighs more then she did when she was 9 months pregnant and has joined the 200+ club and climbing.

This last 12 months I've been trying to get her out with me to run or walk, anything, but she has a million excuses for why she can't. Every time I call its one thing or another. It's a difficult dynamic for me. I've always been the "fat(er) friend" and the one who made excuses. I love that chick to death - but I can't stand her attitude. Although - I think that her attitude bothers me so much .... BECAUSE I used to be just like that.

I have trouble eating at their house now... they have nothing but high fat foods nightly - red meat and white carbs. (last night she couldn't believe that we were going to have a meal with NO MEAT... "wheres the meat??", she was shocked - it was like that damn buger commercial from the 80's). For them its nightly roasts, steaks, sausages with white pasta, white rice and potatoes, always scalloped with cheese or full fat sour cream and butter, or mashed and fried up in some butter, if its chicken - there is gravy, always.

Its sooo weird to see food like that even served! The only green veg they serve is frozen peas and the other is corn (which I don't even consider a veg! even though I love it! ha). On top of that, they have dessert EVERY night.

We ended up eating dinner and watching the Half-Ton Mom on TLC. I was revolted, scared, amazed, sad, wondered, mesmerized, fascinated, sympathetic and disgusted all at the same time. I don't know why watching shows about weight interest me SO much (I also feel the same about shows on anorexics, any sort of extreme body shape I suppose). I guess that I see myself in these shows; the excuses, the mental reasoning, the food lust, out of control behaviors, the fat rolls, the celulite, the distain that they are treated with. All those feeling - they are the same ones that I often have when I look in the mirror. Except that I feel a lot more shame when looking at myself of course.

As we are watching she brings out dessert - a bag of full sized dairy milk chocolate bars, a bag of mini snickers, a bowl of jujubes, and massive 3lbs brick of chocolate and three bags of family sized potato chips all in various stages of eaten (all of them over half gone).

I'll admit, I ate about 12 jujubes, but that was it, not that I didn't want more. But as it was brought out I set my limit and stuck to it. I watched my friend take a full size chocolate bar, and eat 3 mini snickers and a 1/4 bag of chips while drinking a pepsi. This is nothing new to me (either watching her do this - or being there myself), this happens after dinner every time I'm there...2 months ago I would have been wrestling the chips out of her cold dead fingers so that I could have some.

I don't know where I'm really going with this post, other then to say that I'm pretty sad today. I'm sad that she is now living in a body that she hates and is punishing herself with more terrible foods and creating habits that are going to be so hard to break. I'm sad that I feel helpless. I've been there for so many years, and I guess to see her getting worse is totally terrifying to me.

I wish that watching her do this was more inspirational to me to get my act together, but ... for some reason its not. Its not encouraging me to cheat/give up/do the same... but its not the arse kick that I'm looking for either. I guess it gives me that sense that even though I'm changing and making choices and decisions that are better and more sane and I'm that I'm loving this new change... that... I'm one slip away from couch bound helplessness and a bowl of chocolate.

Earlier in the week she emailed to ask me if I wanted to join her (and family) for a lunch out, I had my packed lunch here to eat. I was scared... I didn't know what to do... so I lied ....and said that I had a lunch date already ... I lied because I knew that on that day I would not be able to go to a restaurant and order a salad and be happy watching the rest of the table eat burgers and fries.

Today another friend emailed to ask if I wanted to get together for lunch - I told her that I have a lunch here, but if she wants to meet in the food court, I'll bring mine and we can socialize.

I guess, I'm just going to have to be stronger. Take my moments, pick my battles, and live for me. I can't change anyone else, I can only do better for me.

Sunday Sinning

Well, I wish that I could say that I've been good this weekend and done all the right things and not eaten badly. But I haven't, I've been bad.

I'm freaked out about my weigh-in tomorrow, and I will not be surprised to have gained back what I have lost in the last 2 weeks. Sadly, the good brain has told me to stop, but I still decided that it was much nicer to keep munching.

The offending treats arrived here via an office auction where I bid on a basket of goodies in the spirit of charity (and re-gifting). I bid, quite low actually, with the hope that I would LOSE. Sadly, I won. It stayed intact for 2 weeks, until this weekend when I thought that I should break it up and get everything into piles for re-gifting (HA! how cheap is that?! the good 'ol Scottish side of me coming out).

WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!!! "hello, I'm a recovering coke addict, but I'm just going to cut this blow into lines so that you all can snort."

Needless to say, I've eaten more of it then I would care to admit. I managed to throw away most of the treats before I eat it all. Typically stuffing in my mouth while I dumped the rest into the trashcan.

The numbers will tell me tomorrow what I know already, that unless I really want to change and make sacrifices, that I'm not going to make any headway. I've been reading lots of blogs and watching everyone's triumphs and set-backs and seen how much attitude has to do with success. Mine stinks at teh moment.

I had a very strange moment in the mirror today. I noticed that yesterday I was looking at myself and seeing the progress and feeling good. Today (with a poor mental shift) I caught a glimpse of myself and was appalled by my troll-esk dumpy fat appearance. Holy fun house-mirror mind. :( .....but there is NO WAY that my body has changed that much overnight that I can go from okay to ogre in 12 hours???? .... I mean, I ate too much but it wasn't THAT much.

That's enough of that for now. On to the good news.

I found this pumpkin custard recipe at both Lyns and Debbies blogs a while ago and I finally got the chance to try it out. AND I found Almond breeze, Katschi I can't even tell you how excited I am to try this out!!!!

In my oven right now is baking:

PUMPKIN CUSTARD
In a bowl mix together:
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup splenda (I found Splenda-brown sugar and used 1/2c of that)
1 tsp cinnamon (didn't have any of that... where the h. e. double hockey sticks did it go?)
1/2 tsp allspice (nope)
1/4 tsp ground ginger (YES...put in extra to make up for no all-spice and cinnamon)
1/2 tsp salt (yes)
Then add:
1/2 c egg beaters, or 4 egg whites
1 15 ounce can pumpkin
Mix tog. using a wire whisk.
Slowly add:
1 1/2 cups original or unsweetened vanilla almond breeze (40-60 cal/cup)
Pour into a 9 or 10 inch pie plate sprayed with pam. Bake at 350 degrees for 40-50 minutes. Center is slightly wiggly when you bump it. Cool to room temp, then cover and refrigerate.
Cut into wedges to serve, or just scoop into a bowl to eat like pudding. You can serve w/ a bit of lite reddi-whip or lite cool whip on top.

Tonight's dinner is going to be all veggies. Another giant salad with everything that I can think of in the fridge. And water water water, and then some tea.

Sorry - this is going to be one long weekend post.

I've also been considering my goals. There were some other people that put their lack of goals up and its been making me think about mine. Also I found this great blog, Gettn' Shrunk, that made me think that I've really should have set my goal weight lower. Her tagline is "Those who believe they can do something are probably right — and so are those who believe they can’t."

I wonder if I'm putting in a full effort, or if I'm really just waiting to fail like all other times that I've set out to lose weight. I hate to think that this is what I'm thinking at my very core, but I think that I might be. So, I need to change that asap.

"The will to prepare to win, is more important then the will to win".

I guess I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that "its not that bad, and I'm just a little overweight" bla bla. But really, I need to lose a lot of weight. I need to lose 100lbs.

There...I said it. One Hundred Pounds.

I should be 180lbs, but I'm not. I've covered myself in 100lbs of fat and to take that off I'm going to have to change my life, my attitude, my ideas and what I think about myself. This will be the hardest, most spectacular thing that I ever do for myself, for my partner, my family, and my potential children.

A challenge. I have to prepare to win this more then just wanting to be thin. I need to prepare my food, prepare my mind and prepare my body to shed 100lbs from my frame, and then once I do that... I need to be able to see what has happened and enjoy it, revel in it and manage my life from there forward.

Easily said. I guess that it all starts here and now. 100lbs. :)