Hanging on

The rest of yesterday went well. I managed to stay on track and not go crazy with the food at the office.

Today... NO FOOD. There are no treats to be found, there is nothing laying about and I'm happily going about my business here. Should any fool put food near me I am going to go super nova on them. The light from my angry eyes will burn holes through our building penitrating the earth to its core....and my yelling will be the YOP heard round the world.




I have made an executive decision to increase my calories. I had a look at my numbers, and my weeks and realized that what I had thought might happen actually has happened.... The lower I made my calories - the more I felt "crazy" about food I have become...

how much, when, where, how with, why... and then the cheating started... a very little at a time and then has gradually increased to a raging flood.

I moved my spreadsheet up to 1850 this morning and I feel a LOT better about it. There is wiggle room for changes, there is room for me to breath. There is also no pressure to eat as much as there is allowed for. I have learned a few things in thelast month plus. That being that I can eat UNDER what I have set. I mentally feel better about it all now.

1850 is still under my goal weight calories (2090) and I'm pounding back the water. Feeling good today. Half a pound was gone this morning on the scale and that helped as well with the happy feelings.

I had a big breakfast, I'm sipping my coffee and water and enjoying the quiet day at the office. I'm taking tomorrow off and going to walk and do some crafts with a friend. Take time to relax and enjoy myself.

Last night we did a nice walk (shorts and tee shirt weather again) and I'm going to do it again tonight.

Food Today:

Quick one!

Friday night I did a good 3mile walk. We had dinner out at the Indian place and it was great.

Today was a busy one. Had a Christmas brunch social with my crafting group. It was pot luck. I used a side plate as my plate for lunch. Had a little bit of a few things. None of which were good for me at all. Lots of cheese and casseroles were there and desserts.

I did another walk this afternoon and got groceries. We had massive yummy salads for dinner. I'm hoping that will clear me out.

I'm anticipating a disappointing Sunday weigh in, but this week has been sh*t almost from start to end. Next week is going to be better is ALL respects. None one put a fun to my head and made me eat this week, so there is only one person to blame for my lack of discipline. Me. I shall be telling myself all about it tomorrow.

Here is the food today:

onward..

Today has shown some better success than yesterday. Which was a total clusterfuck.

Today I got to work, pounded out 4 hours of work in 2, then off to volunteer! Which was great. Its a fabulous mental break to think about people that have bigger struggles that myself.

We "built" bikes (read here attached the seats, handlebars, peddles and front tire), assembled helmets and enjoyed the company of coworkers and staff while volunteering our time to get a small part of the some 6,000 bikes needed out to kids that need them in our community.

That was a great time, I'm so glad that my company has such great allowance for community programs.

I had a protein bomb breakfast, however we were not off from volunteering until 1pm. I was already hungry and we were going to stop and get lunch, but one of the people in the car needed to get back. So we all had to go. I didn't get lunch until 1.45pm. I had a cup of shrimp gumbo and shared a small shoestring fries with a coworker.

Back into the office...treatmania was in full swing. There were 4 smoked turkeys that had arrived for our department heads, so they raffled them off (I didn't win). I launched into full meltdown food mode again.

Yep... again.I know.

I had 2 peppermint chocolate cookies, 1 macaroon, one truffle, and a half a cup of caramel popcorn. Another 600 calorie treat binge. I managed to keep today under 1900 calories, but my food choices SUCK.

I was disgusted after... and felt sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick in my head. Why won't I learn?

Dinner tonight was amended. I still feel sick from all the sugar. I went out and got some low fat cottage cheese and cut up a Christmas pear. It was simple, easy and delicious. I would have LOVED to have eaten this... instead of what I did this afternoon.

Once again, I am untrustworthy around these things. Tomorrow I am going to go ahead and move the shit to anther location. I wish that I had the power to just say NO and then follow through on my promise to myself.

Happily, the volunteer work had me sweating up a storm, and walking all over. My feet are hurting. I'm tired and going to get a good nights sleep in for sure.

Of course, I'm miserable right now and.... great.... just had a lovely shout at the husband. f*ck.

:( I hate this part of hating myself... taking it out on him. Must make amends.

Food today:

Bah Humbug

Well... I'm going to go with exposure therapy is not a winner for me.

In the afternoon I consumed:

4 chocolate Truffles
8 Peppermint chocolate malt balls
1 handful of caramel popcorn (1/2c)

I then went and walked at the park feeling sad and guilty. Its not like I didn't post about it, talk about not doing and not wanting to. But, I let myself do it. I told myself that I could have one. That is a slippery slippery slope.

I estimate it at about 574 calories. My daily intake was then 2382. Which is 292 calories over my daily limit and WELL over my 1600.

Ug.

Today will be better.

I'm off for the day from work to go and volunteer at the Build a Bike. I can't wait. I will be preoccupied, active and there is no food there.

Sunday Roundup and week evaluation

Well Sunday is almost done and we finished a marathon day with friends that is a love hate for me.

Its a gaming group and the people there are some of the statistical averages for North Americans... fat. Like me, but with more heavily ingrained senses of entitlement for food. Like the one that was there today who ate a giant box of peppermint chocolates all to herself because they are only available at Christmas time. I see myself deep inside there and it scares me.

So today was not great eating wise. This is a once a month thing and I know its always going to be a problem. I try hard on some things and let other things slide...

I did some great stuff though.

1. no grazing. There is always a tray of meat, cheese and crackers out. I had ZERO!
2. drank my water!!
3. brought half of our lunch.

We had a group order from the Chinese place. Husband and I had veggie dumpling and shared a My Fit Foods lunch. It was great.

I also did some bad stuff:

1. I had half a pumpkin loaf with my coffee at Starbucks this morning
2. I had 3 Hershey's kisses
3. I had a piece of birthday cake

I weighed in this morning for Allans SDDDY challenge. I'm a +6. All this week I've been up. Ever since Mondays 288 weigh in it shot back up 3, 4, 5, 8, 2, 6... Needless to say this has been a hellish week.

I've had over 180 ounces of water every day, ate my calories (just under and just over) all week. So...as I have been chastised today at our fearless leaders blog... rightly so.

SO now I sit here and I say to myself. Self.... what is different this week that did that.

1. Sleep. I've had a really poor week for sleep
2. pre period... this is always my worst week right before it starts.
3. poor eating habits slowly creeping back in.

So yes, there are many factors here at play. I will weigh in tomorrow and see if my dinner on Saturday night was a big factor in that number (even though I know I've been up all week). Mostly I think its the little things that I've done.

Namely the poor eating habits that I've had:

Monday - added in a bagel with my lunch
Tuesday - lunch out with dessert
Wednesday - dinner out for pizza
Thursday - extra coffee & cream
Friday - extra coffee & cream, martini & husband brought me home 2 chocolates from the grocery store... which I ate.
Saturday - Lunch and Dinner out

Wow, I'm a regular f*cking Sherlock Holmes.

Now... I've counted the calories and I know that I did NOT eat enough food to gain 6 bloody pounds this week.. however all the hidden salt and fat in the food that I did have has filled me up to a giant puffy balloon. The 2.5L of water I had last night before bed time is in there, and the fact that I've been pretty irregular... that hasn't helped either.

Here are the weekly numbers. And despite all the poor choices, I didn't go over my weekly calories. But as you can see here... I do eat a lot of fat.

So. Monday... back on the plan. No more little slips and excuses.

Happily, I'm a Canuck. Thanksgiving was last month - so I don't have to worry about the dinner plans this week. I'm getting 2 days off work to go and enjoy myself and not worry about massive family dinners and all that shit.

Right... here is today food and the weekly round up.

Seesaw

Well today is weigh in day and I was optimistic for a loss, but not surprised to see the scale go up again.

Weight In: 294.4

Up - 1.6lbs

I'm really VERY pleased with my exercise this week, and I will be carrying on with that and I shall these this stand as the high point this week.

But Thursday - Friday - Saturday my eating was... frankly ...a little ridiculous for someone who is "trying to lose weight".

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday were GREAT! lots of greens, good veggies, home made dinners and lunch's... and under calories every day (-200-400 daily).

Thursday night post dinner - we ended up at the Dairy Queen and I got a hot fudge Sunday, I also had the mini scone and latte that day.

Friday is "breakfast day" at the office and well... I ate (over the course of the day) 3 donuts and a sausage, egg and cheese croissant....then it gets worse. We went to the movies.... Popcorn and M&M's shared with Hubby... and then a couple of sushi rolls shared post movie for "dinner".

Saturday day was good... but we went for dinner at a nice Indian restaurant and I really gorged myself. Not good. Not good at all.

ARG.

So now, in light of typing out all of these ... I really can not be surprised that I had a gain this week. I can workout all I want, but if I eat too much, there is never going to be a loss.

Right... Right. This is not news. This is not rocket science. I seem to be able to manage one or the other at the moment. Good eating - no workouts... Good workouts - poor eating...

Next week I'm going to get this under control. I need a solution for "free for all Fridays" when its all terrible food and sweets laid out in the office kitchen (giant home breakfast is what I'm thinking). I started eating poorly and then I stopped counting calories. This week I will count calories BEFORE I eat the offending items.

Math lesson

The math never lies.... fatty food + too much food + no exercise = GAIN.

This week was not an easy one. Thursdays incident has breed in me a thick fog of self hate. I thank all of you for your kind words, they did help, I'm going to move on. Certainly I can not blame my entrire week on it - this weeks downfall started Wednesday night and was propelled forward from there. I stopped doing what I needed to... track calories and started listening to the food-monster inside of me.....

"eat out..... don't get a salad get a burger.... you lost 4lbs...you can treat youself...drink pop one won't matter" etc etc etc **sigh**

Wednesday Dinner:

Bacon Cheese burger & onion rings

Thursday:

Food was great all day...making up for the buger and rings.

Upset sets in....

Friday:

Sweet potato waffles (5)

2.5 donuts

3 coffee & creams

chicken tenders

side salad & blue cheese dressing

Chicken Tacos with chips and queso

Saturday:

cookie (just one thank gawd they werent that good)

Pizza with pepperonie and mushroom

Giant Cherry limeaide from Sonic (WTF was I thinking?? This is more soda then any one human should consume in a week)

Sushi at 10:30 at night....Hubby and went out for a late dinner (we are so effing stupid) and had 4 different rolls at a lovley sushi place. Very nice - Yes. But eating at 11pm at night. OMG.... WHY WHY WHY)
THEN>>>>>>>> we stopped at the grocery store because he wanted something sweet. EVERY fibre of my being said to say no, but I didn't and I had a Reese's peanut butter egg. There is 500 calories that I didn't need at midnight.

I'm so ashamed of my food that I have yet to track all the calories that I ate. I will go and correct this this afternoon. AND I put in my calories for the burger on Wednesday but I only put it in the calories count for a cheeseburger not adding the bacon.... you know... why lie to me?! I'm such a mess.

Today I have had a large orange, a coffee with cream and a pumpkin bread slice form Starbucks and its almost 1pm. I feel bloated, sick, upset and angry. I'm mad at myself and this morning I was all like"oh I've been good - I've been working and eating lots of fruits...I look thinner in the mirror" and trying to fool myself into thinking that the scale would be just as kind.

Its not. 297lbs Yup...STRAIGHT back up.

My exercise this week was so limited... the punctuation walk on Thursday and then Friday night I went to the gym and walked for 50min on the treadmill. That is the sum total... where is the Tamzin that was running three days a week?? I want her back.

Trifecta of Eating-Evil Defeated

1. Angry
2. Frustrated
3. In a vehicle all alone

I just got back from an "interview", which ended up being some sort of weird testing facility where I had to do spacial, number pattern and algebra/math questions. No calculators allowed (but that is beside the point - but seriously...no calculator?? wtf).

I was contacted for an interview for a job -they have called me a couple times for different jobs - I do administrative work (you know...paper pushing etc) and was mislead into thinking that I would be actually MEETING someone for an INTERVIEW to discuss the skills that I do have... not to test me for an hour on the skills that I don't have... If I was good at math I would be a f*cking administrator.

I was in my suit, hair done, make up on, all ready for an interview.... nadda. Not to mention that I wasted nearly an hour yesterday doing their testing online at home and now had the privilege to DRIVE over to the testing building and NOT MEET A SINGLE PERSON TO TALK ABOUT THE JOB. Seriously... I am/was/still am VERY VERY PISSED.

And so... there I was....in a car (aka: food charriot) and mad and frustrated for wasting time that I could have been doing something productive with.....as in...I did not get my run in this morning because I had a 9am interview that went until 11am so I didn't have time to get to the gym before this stupid interview and now I see I should have just effed this one right in the a and gone running instead.... and that is when the mental destruction began to take hold.....

**evil little voice in head** I should go and get a coffee (read here +500 calorie bomb eggnog latte)... and maybe a little treat... you know... you deserve it, you've had a rough day - you are already out in the car - you can hit the drive-through - you won't even have to get out - your feet hurt - you are mad - you know what would be nice... and hot coffee treat from Starbucks - you have cash - do it.... DO IT... DOOOO EEEETTTTTT

I almost had to slap myself... I told myself that I would NOT be going to Starbucks and I would be going home to get changed, relax and if I still wanted a coffee later I could go and get one.

So... Eff you trifecta of fat. I fart in your general direction. I'm at home making a coffee for 42 calories and is just as nice a treat to the mind. And I might have a banana.

**I'm sorry for the amount of profanity these last few days!

Lets make a deal.....

Today before I had even left the office I had decided that I was going to eat a large thin crust double pepperoni pizza and 2 diet cokes for dinner...

I thought about it for the last half hour of work, I thought about it as I got changed to walk home, I thought about it while my co-worker was talking to me on the walk... I thought about it until I got a little closer to home.

Then I started thinking. Do I really want to get up tomorrow and know that I ate a whole large pizza to myself, and drank 2 diet cokes and feel like crap and dread getting on the scale. And then have to tell myself "how much better I'll be now to make up for it", when I know that isn't my style.

So then I started trying to find a way out..."I'll get chicken souvlaki and calamari....no....I'll stop and get crackers and soup, no I'll order more chinese food..."

So I made the ultimate deal. If I went home without stopping to get anything, I could eat WHATEVER and HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. No matter what... IF it was in my house - I could have it, but nothing else.


So here it is:

3oz cheese & 10 almonds (eaten while prepping the rest).

2 chicken breasts (sauteed in little oil and lemon pepper seasoning)
15 asparagus spears & 1/2 tsp becel

1 sweet potato & 2 small beets cut thinly and coated with 2T evoo then baked on a tray in the oven ( not long enough mind you they could have been a little crisper)* haha - re-reading this I laughed at my "evaluation" of the potato that I ate by the forkfull without any appreciation of flavor, indeed...."could have been crisper" I'm too much!

Honestly....I thought that I wouldn't feel full after this - but I certainly did. I still feel full now and this was nearly three hours ago.

I thought that I was going to eat WAY more then this because today.... I felt empty. I felt just depleted and beaten and I wanted food. I wanted to feel full, stuffed, bursting, ...ug, I can't even think of words to say for this emptiness...... I wanted that instead of tired, sad and empty.

I ate this dinner in massive gulps, just trying to fill up as fast as I could. Its strange - that need, that feeling of wanted to be filled up, yet not really need the food, but my brain telling me that this will make me feel "good".

Now I have strange feelings of remorse, and yet a feeling of a small victory as well.

I am proud that I managed to talk myself out of pizza and pop and a binge that would have been really horrid on my body and that would have most likely snowballed into a weekend long binge.

I know that chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus (mind you with enough extra fats added - oil etc.) are not going to stay with me as long as 1lb of pepperoni and 1lbs of white bread crust would, and that there are good things in these foods, so in that sense I feel great about how I managed to weasle out of my original plan. I still hate that those thoughts can creep in and dominate my mind and that I can still eat SO BLOODY MUCH. Those are both dinner sized plates. 2 whole chicken breasts!!! Good gawd!

Anyway - thats enough beating myself up. I am proud, I managed to escaped though the best hatch that I have right now from a terrible binge that was coming on. I'm going to keep on having these kinds of moments, and I'm going to have to dealing with them.

So there we go. Today, I'm going to end with a body positive quote that I saw today that made me smile.

"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points" - Mae West.

Breaking Habits...one at a time....

Today I was GOING to go to the gym at lunch when I realized that I "didn't want to".... Starting up again is hard. Harder then I thought that it would be. I had everything that I needed at the office - I pay the money for the membership...I had my ipod, my undies, my runners.....but I also had enough excuses today that I didn't go.

Now, of course, I have remorse. Restarting that habit is going to be tough. I know that I love it, but then...why so reluctant? Tomorrow is my Beginners Yoga class. I'm going to go to that NO MATTER WHAT! I'm actually really looking forward to it. :)

I did walk home - since I felt some buyers remorse after my post-lunch snack.... then after dinner... BINGE time. Ug. I have NOTHING bad in the house - but that didn't stop me from going nuts. Its really still amazing how much food one can consume in such a short amount of time. I would say that I ate all that binge food in under 3min - including prep time. Then I came over here to purge...mentally that is. I was not wanting to blog today, but this... this I had to put down on paper for myself.

Bfast:
banana
clementines x2
coffee x2
Lunch:
1c quiona
1.5c chicken curry
snack1:
3/4c chocolate covered peanuts
1c jujubes*
*was not hungry and didn't even enjoy eating the last of them....didn't stop me though.
snack2:
coffee
clementine
Dinner:
1 pork loin with 1/2T mint jelly
10 asparagus spears
5 new potatoes with xvoo and dill
Binge time:
8 new potatoes with xvoo and dill
4 slices turkey breast
2 triangles of laughing cow cheese
1 whole wheat pita
2T cashew nut better
1 banana

Bleck...I feel like crap now. My stomach feels really tight (although I suppose that is actually a good thing in terms of good and bad in relation to out of control eating). Also I realized that I had not had a single swallow of water since about 4.45pm.... its now 10.30 at night and I'm getting my first drink. Double Arg! I wasn't hungry!!!! I was THIRSTY.

THIRSTY DAMN ME..... if I had had a pint of water I would have been fine and I would have gone to bed without all this useless food in me. ARG!

Lesson begining to be learned....
1. Don't keep binge foods in the house.
2. potatoes...yep - they set me off. Best not have that again anytime soon.