Lets make a deal.....

Today before I had even left the office I had decided that I was going to eat a large thin crust double pepperoni pizza and 2 diet cokes for dinner...

I thought about it for the last half hour of work, I thought about it as I got changed to walk home, I thought about it while my co-worker was talking to me on the walk... I thought about it until I got a little closer to home.

Then I started thinking. Do I really want to get up tomorrow and know that I ate a whole large pizza to myself, and drank 2 diet cokes and feel like crap and dread getting on the scale. And then have to tell myself "how much better I'll be now to make up for it", when I know that isn't my style.

So then I started trying to find a way out..."I'll get chicken souvlaki and calamari....no....I'll stop and get crackers and soup, no I'll order more chinese food..."

So I made the ultimate deal. If I went home without stopping to get anything, I could eat WHATEVER and HOWEVER MUCH I wanted. No matter what... IF it was in my house - I could have it, but nothing else.


So here it is:

3oz cheese & 10 almonds (eaten while prepping the rest).

2 chicken breasts (sauteed in little oil and lemon pepper seasoning)
15 asparagus spears & 1/2 tsp becel

1 sweet potato & 2 small beets cut thinly and coated with 2T evoo then baked on a tray in the oven ( not long enough mind you they could have been a little crisper)* haha - re-reading this I laughed at my "evaluation" of the potato that I ate by the forkfull without any appreciation of flavor, indeed...."could have been crisper" I'm too much!

Honestly....I thought that I wouldn't feel full after this - but I certainly did. I still feel full now and this was nearly three hours ago.

I thought that I was going to eat WAY more then this because today.... I felt empty. I felt just depleted and beaten and I wanted food. I wanted to feel full, stuffed, bursting, ...ug, I can't even think of words to say for this emptiness...... I wanted that instead of tired, sad and empty.

I ate this dinner in massive gulps, just trying to fill up as fast as I could. Its strange - that need, that feeling of wanted to be filled up, yet not really need the food, but my brain telling me that this will make me feel "good".

Now I have strange feelings of remorse, and yet a feeling of a small victory as well.

I am proud that I managed to talk myself out of pizza and pop and a binge that would have been really horrid on my body and that would have most likely snowballed into a weekend long binge.

I know that chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus (mind you with enough extra fats added - oil etc.) are not going to stay with me as long as 1lb of pepperoni and 1lbs of white bread crust would, and that there are good things in these foods, so in that sense I feel great about how I managed to weasle out of my original plan. I still hate that those thoughts can creep in and dominate my mind and that I can still eat SO BLOODY MUCH. Those are both dinner sized plates. 2 whole chicken breasts!!! Good gawd!

Anyway - thats enough beating myself up. I am proud, I managed to escaped though the best hatch that I have right now from a terrible binge that was coming on. I'm going to keep on having these kinds of moments, and I'm going to have to dealing with them.

So there we go. Today, I'm going to end with a body positive quote that I saw today that made me smile.

"A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points" - Mae West.

The weekend of cheese

SATURDAY
Up at 5am to fly home aka "snack central" for a day, well more like 28 hours. Craziness.

1 power crunch protein bar
1 nasty bag of airplane snacks (I honestly couldn't tell you what they were)
3/4 12 grain bagel w/ cream cheese
1 apple & cheddar dutch pancake (pannekoeke) with 2T Stroop (molasses based syrup)
4 slices turkey bacon
coffee & cream x2

Then off to see my Granddad. My Granddad was put in convalescence and he isn't doing great. So I wanted to get to see him asap. He is an old tired out man who's had a great life, so I'm trying to not be too sad. I think he is in a lot of pain and won't be long for this world. It will be a relief in all honesty, and I hope that his last days are as good as they can be. But I know how much he doesn't want to be fed, bathed and changed and that's where he is at now.

15 triskets, 4oz cheddar cheese
1 small slices quiche
1 small bowl of borsht
4oz cheese
1 cup wheat thins
4oz chicken breast
2c chip mix (cheesies, doritos, pretzels)

I did do good and picked up all the fixings for BNS mac&Cheese (MORE EFFING CHEESE...really...give my head a shake. I had cheese at every meal). I did do well though - I have 1c serving with broccoli and carrots.

1C BNS Mac&Cheese
1c steamed broccoli & carrots
about 4oz of cheese eaten while cooking.
1 full fat root beer
1 c reg vanilla ice cream
1T chocolate sauce
4 pecans

I certainly didn't drink enough water, either day and I'm suffering right now because of it. I also burned my hand in the oven and I burned the roof of my mouth on my bfast this morning. ...I am not a happy bunny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUNDAY
Up at 6am to get the flight home and end up having airport food:

1 bacon quiche (yes...there was spinach, but I just had to have the bacon) *sigh*
Large Fruit cup (oranges, melon, pineapple, grapes! v.yum)
1 crispy crunch chocolate bar
1 coffee w/creamers

I was at the airport at my morning *time* and ended up having to poop in a stall with someone next to me... I hate that. Better then on the plane I guess.

Once home I had a run at 1pm today so I needed to get a little rest (short nap) and food.

2/4c whole oats
2T BP2
1 handful walnuts
2T honey
1 power crunch protein bar

Run: 7x 2min running and 1min walking. We did about 35min in total with out warm up and cool down walks. It was cold and I ran harder then I would have liked. I can feel it in my legs right now. But I was happy that I showed up and did the workout. I was thinking about not going, but I did.

After I went for groceries and made sure to get some more ziplock containers. The more lunches I make, the more the dirty ones sit in the sink...now there is plenty and shouldn't be any problem. One less excuse to use anyway. After groceries I went to the cheese shop... I really needed a slap today. I got some more Stilton and a very nice sheep milk cheese, Manchego. Yum!

3c mixed greens
1/2 green apple
10 green grapes
3oz Stilton
1 handful walnuts
3T red onion
1T xvoo & 1T balsamic vinegar
4 lite rye crackers
1tsp becel
1 pot activia yogurt
protein brownie

I have been in a state of discontent for the reminder of the evening... looking looking looking for something to eat. I have almost dialed for pizza 4 times. I ended up having a "protein brown". They are not the greatest (in either taste or calories)- but better then a real brownie and packed with proteins as they are some shake/bar thingy the husband found. Very yum, but it wasn't what I was looking for. I am in savory/carb mode. Bread bread bread MONSTER. Even now.

I don't know what I'm going to do right now. My mouth hurts, but my stomach is growling. I feel exhausted... thank gawd there is no crap food in the house. I need to get to bed ASAP. I'm also terrified of what the scales are going to show tomorrow morning.

Also...in my laundry list of crap things this week. I had my old fillings replaces and they are still sensitive to hot and cold and to the touch. *CRY* Let this weekend be over.

EDIT::

just ate....
1/2c 1% cottage CHEESE
2 dill pickles