onward..

Today has shown some better success than yesterday. Which was a total clusterfuck.

Today I got to work, pounded out 4 hours of work in 2, then off to volunteer! Which was great. Its a fabulous mental break to think about people that have bigger struggles that myself.

We "built" bikes (read here attached the seats, handlebars, peddles and front tire), assembled helmets and enjoyed the company of coworkers and staff while volunteering our time to get a small part of the some 6,000 bikes needed out to kids that need them in our community.

That was a great time, I'm so glad that my company has such great allowance for community programs.

I had a protein bomb breakfast, however we were not off from volunteering until 1pm. I was already hungry and we were going to stop and get lunch, but one of the people in the car needed to get back. So we all had to go. I didn't get lunch until 1.45pm. I had a cup of shrimp gumbo and shared a small shoestring fries with a coworker.

Back into the office...treatmania was in full swing. There were 4 smoked turkeys that had arrived for our department heads, so they raffled them off (I didn't win). I launched into full meltdown food mode again.

Yep... again.I know.

I had 2 peppermint chocolate cookies, 1 macaroon, one truffle, and a half a cup of caramel popcorn. Another 600 calorie treat binge. I managed to keep today under 1900 calories, but my food choices SUCK.

I was disgusted after... and felt sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick in my head. Why won't I learn?

Dinner tonight was amended. I still feel sick from all the sugar. I went out and got some low fat cottage cheese and cut up a Christmas pear. It was simple, easy and delicious. I would have LOVED to have eaten this... instead of what I did this afternoon.

Once again, I am untrustworthy around these things. Tomorrow I am going to go ahead and move the shit to anther location. I wish that I had the power to just say NO and then follow through on my promise to myself.

Happily, the volunteer work had me sweating up a storm, and walking all over. My feet are hurting. I'm tired and going to get a good nights sleep in for sure.

Of course, I'm miserable right now and.... great.... just had a lovely shout at the husband. f*ck.

:( I hate this part of hating myself... taking it out on him. Must make amends.

Food today:

Crying over cookies

Yesterday I was good with water - got over 2L in... which has been a hard sell for me lately - sitting around and not doing much has made it hard to get my water in. And I did my yoga dvd as well - getting ready to get it done again today. Yoga is hard. :( haha But I'm enjoying it for sure. I do love me some Warrior pose.

Food wise... very bad. Me and the hubby are over eaters... and when one is off track the other is more then happy to jump on that wagon.

We went out for lunch to a deli and I knew that I was going to have a salad... but I ordered the Cesar (ug) and then... we shared a banana cream pie slice. WTF? Its lunch, we don't need dessert.

Then dinner was mexican nachos with queso (cheesey goodness) and I had a mango liquado (mango, ice and milk). The we stopped for some groceries and the hubby picked up some pecan/caramel cookies. I should have said no. I was full from dinner and didn't want any cookies... but when he opened them in the car, oh yes... I ate one. The last mouthful of cookie that I had in my fingers I threw out the window.

Mr. K asked what that was?? Which sparked the , "I'm so fat, why am I eating cookies" waterfall, and all that jazz. Poor guy. I'm so out of sorts from moving and of course, my crushing self loathing at the moment. I can't go out - I hate his friends seeing how gross I look, my clothing doesn't fit right. BLARG.

Anyway, this weekend we are going to do a massive kitchen clean-up and get that all in order and then we can get into cooking good foods instead of getting take out and going out to eat all the time.

Next week I'm going to start diving the hubby to work so that I can get to the gym in the mornings, and then pick him up in the afternoons. That will be a good bit more fun for me and less laying around feeling sorry for myself.

:)

okay... almost yoga time.

EDIT:

right - after procrastination via blog surfing (many thanks to Karens post on Fitcetera I sent and did my workout) I read another post from Tena about attitude adjustment (No wonder I've missed reading my fav blogs) which was the same reason that I wanted to add this.

One Good Thing..
The one good thing that I've done is no longer order pop/softdrinks/sweet tea when eating out. I always order water. Its going very well.